What Might Have Been
by Jadeduo
Summary: Duo and Wufei are at the annual celebration of the end of all wars in the year AC 205. Duo is thinking of a former lover, but what happens when he shows up?
1. Chapter One ll What Might Have Been

**Title: **What Might Have Been, 1/1 or 1/? You decide!!  
**Author: **Jadeduo  
**Pairings:** Past 1x2, Present 5x2, mention of 3x4  
**Warnings: **ANGST! SAP! Suicidal Duo, swearing, songfic, and that's it......  
**Archives: **Soon to be at my site, Death and the Soldier, and at ff.net under Jadeduo, anywhere else just ask! I will be happy to oblidge!  
**Disclaimer: **Blah blah blah, poor. Blah blah, blah, no own anything Gundam Wing. Blah, blah, blah, *pouts*.  
**A/N: **Okies so here's how it is I know this is different from what I usually write. So I'm warning you my beta cried, each time she read it! So be warned again! I also blame this entire mess on Mako-chan for making me read 2x5x2 fics. This is also dedicated to her because she is just the best, and is always inspiring me to be better. *huggles Mako, while angst muse is still attached to leg* Dammit! Chibi-D get off! *glares at muse, then looks around for Chibi-Mako who is no where to be found, and sighs* Oh well, I guess I have to find Chibi-Mako so I can finish LCA9 *cries* Oh well! Thanks for reading! And remember I enjoy Constructive Criticism, flames I laugh at uproariously :D *huggles* Jadeduo 

  
  
I try not to think about  
What might have been  
Cause that was then  
And we have taken different roads  
We can't go back again, there's no use giving in  
And there's no way to know  
What might have been   
We could sit and talk about this all night long  
And wonder why we didn't last  
Yes, they might be the best days we will ever know  
But we'll have to leave them in the past  
~What Might Have Been, Little Texas 

**~What Might Have Been~**

  
  
December 1st, AC 195  
  
Duo sat at the window seat in their current safe house, pondering what he was doing here fighting this war. He was only a child, but he had seen so much already. Heero sat behind him, clicking away at his laptop, totally focused on the mission. "Ne, Heero?"  
  
Heero turned to the braided pilot and took in the unusual inquisitive and thoughtful expression. "What, Duo?" he said in his usual monotone.  
  
"Do you ever wonder why we are here? Why we have been chosen to do...... this?" the violet-eyed boy said to his blank partner.  
  
"It is our mission," he responded flatly and turned back to his work.  
  
Duo sighed in frustration, and then resolved to get something out of his rock of a partner. "Heero! Don't you question anything? Don't you question your superiors, your mission? Is it right for us to kill mothers, fathers, husbands, wives? Just because a few people think what's happening is right? God! Sometimes, I wonder if there is a human being in there sometimes. Heero, are you listening to me? Do you FEEL anything? Anything at all!" Then, Duo stopped suddenly; Heero's tireless fingers had stopped typing. Heero?"  
  
Heero sat there as still as a statue. "Heero? Are you all right? I didn't mean...."  
  
Heero turned to Duo with tears in his eyes. "Do you really think me so cold hearted?"  
  
*****  
  
December 25th, AC 205  
  
"What are you thinking about, Zi ai? (1)" Wufei asked as he pulled his violet-eyed lover into his arms from behind.   
  
Duo sighed sadly, as he watched the elegant dancers waft their way across the ballroom in celebration of the end of all wars. "Yuy again."  
  
Wufei exhaled in frustration. "Why do you always do this to yourself on Christmas, Duo? Why? He's not going to come back. And if he did, you have me now. I won't let you go without a fight."  
  
Duo whirled around and held Wufei fiercely, resting his head on Fei's shoulder. "I know, Fei. I just.... What if he's out there all alone, and unhappy? He was always more human than he seemed. I just worry that I can't be there to save him from himself. And as crazy as it sounds, a small part of me loves and still cares for him, even though, even though.... I've moved on."   
  
The Chinese man continued to hold onto Duo, rubbing small circles along his back. "Duo, that you still care for him, and love him after what he has done, is one of the many reasons I love you, Ben ai wo zhong. (2)"  
  
Duo looked up into those fiery ebony eyes. "Wo huo long. (3) I love you Fei. Hold me."  
  
*****  
  
December 1st, AC 195  
  
Duo, like a deer caught in headlights, looked at Heero in shock. Heero looked down at his hands, with tears in his eyes. "Duo, I– you really think that, don't you? I suppose it makes sense. I never really ever showed you any compassion. I've been such a fool. Duo, I--" Heero swallowed, almost choking on the bile rising from his stomach. Was he supposed to feel this sick?  
  
"Heero....... What is it? Tell me. I didn't mean it. It's just sometimes– I don't know. You frustrate me. I never know what to do with you. One minute, I think I've gotten through, and the next, you act like a toy soldier." Duo grabbed Heero from his limp position at the desk and pulled him over to his bed. "Sit down, Heero. Help me understand you. Tell me what this is really about. I can see it in your eyes; there's something more."  
  
"Duo, I–" Heero looked down at his hands and choked back his tears. He couldn't put this off any longer. This was eating at him from the inside out. Suddenly, the mask of indifference was just too hard to keep up. "Duo, I love you. Ai shiteru."  
  
*****  
  
December 25th, AC 205  
  
"Look at them, Quatre. Aren't they sweet?"  
  
Quatre smiled. "Yes, Miss Relena, but I wouldn't let Wufei hear that. He might start in on a justice rant.  
  
Relena smirked. "Quatre, he hasn't done any of that typical Wufei behavior since he and Duo have been together. He's mellowed somehow; Duo too though," she finished thoughtfully.  
  
Quatre watched the couple across the room clutch each other, oblivious to the celebration whirling around them. "After what Heero did, I never thought that Duo would recover. To just leave without a word, a note, or any indication at all. I thought we had lost him for a while there. We owe Wufei a lot for Duo even being here, alive, and with us tonight."  
  
"Speaking of us', where is your devoted husband?"  
  
Quatre blushed. He was so lucky to have Trowa. Even after all of these years, their love and passion had not faded. "I'm not sure, Miss Relena, but I'm sure he will show up shortly. He had something important he had to take care of. He shou--"  
  
Relena turned a ghostly shade of white and tugged at Quatre's sleeve. "Oh my god, Quatre, Heero– He's here."  
  
*****  
  
December 1st, AC 195  
  
Duo stared at Heero in disbelief. "You what???!!!"  
  
"Duo, I love you. I know I'm not human enough for someone as beautiful and vibrant as you, but I love you more than I've ever felt anything, for anyone, ever. Please don't run away and hide from me. Stay here, hold me, love me; make me human again."  
  
Duo looked in shock at this new emotionally vulnerable Heero. "Oh god, Heero. I never realized." He reached up and wiped the tears from Heero's eyes. "I never knew you felt so much for me, for anything. Don't ever hide this from me ever again; it's beautiful. Your emotions, your feelings, are humbling. Don't hide them, act on them." Duo closed the distance between them and placed a soft kiss on Heero's parted lips. "From now on Heero, no more secrets."  
  
*****  
  
December 25th, AC 205   
  
Tears fell from Duo's eyes as he remembered the distant past of ten years ago. Ten years ago, he had kissed Heero Yuy, and it had changed his life. Now, he was in the arms of another, happy.  
  
"Duo, Love, you're doing it to yourself again. Don't blame yourself for falling in love again. He abandoned you eight years ago. You waited and waited. He never came back, never gave you any indication that he was even alive. Zi ai, you can't go on living in the past. It isn't right what he did, and you had every right to heal, to move on," Wufei whispered into the elfin ear.   
  
"I know, my Dragon, but sometimes Sometimes, I ask myself if there was something I could have done to stop it. To make him stay. Shinigami help me, Fei, I still love as much as I love you. I–"  
  
"It is all right, Zi ai. Just be assured that I will not give you up without at fight," Wufei said assuredly, while holding Duo in tighter embrace. Duo melted into his arms, and then suddenly went frigid and pale all at the same time. "What is it, Zi ai?"  
  
In a small, scared voice, Duo whimpered. "Fei, it's Yuy."   
  
*****   
  
December 25th, AC 197  
  
"Duo."  
  
"Yes, Heero-love?" Duo settled back into Heero's embrace. The room was crowded, but he had stopped caring what they thought long ago. He was in love and it didn't matter. Heero helped him through the nightmares, and he helped Heero through his nightmares. They were there for each other; that is all that mattered.  
  
"Will you dance with me?" Heero whispered in to Duo's ear.  
  
Duo shocked by Heero's willingness to dance in public with him. To let his guard down that much was a testament to the progress they had made in the two years they had been together as a couple. The braided man looked straight into those deep Prussian blue eyes to be sure. "Are you sure, love? I won't make you do anything that you are uncomfortable with."  
  
"I am sure," Heero said steadily, and led his lover out to the large dance floor, with everyone looking on as two of the greatest war heroes of their time danced with each other as if they were one person.  
  
*****  
  
December 25th, AC 205   
  
Wufei went as rigid as his lover in his arms at those words, and then he spotted the Wan ba dan. (4) "The nerve of that stupid sch! (5) I can't believe he would show up here, of all places! What is he thinking? Doing this to you, Zi ai. Stay here. I'm going to go take care of the idiot before he causes a scene."  
  
Duo stood there in shock as he watched his former lover stalk across the floor. //He's still the most amazing person in the room. Nothing has tamed him, even I couldn't do it. Oh Heero, I'm so sorry. Come back to me. No, I can't do that to Fei; I love him. He STAYED with me for all these years. Forcing me to eat during the severe bouts of depression, and even cleaning me up when I was too drunk to do it myself. Heero just can't waltz back into my life and expect me to be fine with it! Wait; where is Wufei?// Then, a flash of memory hit him suddenly. //Wait, what? Stay here? Take care of the idiot!! Chang!! What have you gotten yourself into? Heero could kill you!//  
  
*****  
  
December 25th, AC 197  
  
After the party, Heero and Duo lay in each other's arms content to cuddle after the busy night of celebration, and of course, celebratory sex. But Duo, not one known to be quiet, needed to know what his lover was thinking. "Heero?"  
  
"Hai, Duo?" Heero mumbled sleepily.  
  
"Can you believe it? We really are free. When the Eve wars started up again last year, I – I was afraid that we would never know peace, and now we do. We have a house together, a real, normal life. Heero, you know I love you, right?"   
  
"Aa, Duo, I love you too. Hold me tonight, Duo. Keep away the nightmares," Heero said as he snuggled into Duo's comforting embrace, knowing this would be their last night together. The coming threat to their peace was too great for him to ignore. The Perfect Soldier was needed again, but this time, he could protect Duo. Duo would never have to fight again, because the Perfect Soldier loved him.  
  
*****  
  
December 25th, AC 205  
  
Wufei walked up steadily to Heero at a furious pace, before anyone noticed him. "Yuy!"  
  
Heero frowned at the familiar tone of voice, and then turned to see Chang Wufei stalking up to him, not looking too happy. "Chang," he said coolly.  
  
Wufei bristled at the tone of voice. "What are you doing here?" he spat out, impatient for an answer.  
  
Heero studied Wufei's defensive stance and extremely pissed-off tone of voice, and decided he would find out why Wufei was displeased with him soon enough. "I'm here to see Duo. What's it to you, Chang?"  
  
"Because Duo doesn't want to see you right now, Heero. You should just go. You aren't welcome among us anymore," Wufei spat out.  
  
Heero narrowed his eyes at the Chinese man. "Since when did you speak for all of us, Chang? And where is Duo? I need to see him."  
  
"Ni shi bai chi! (6) Duo has moved on, Yuy; he's with me now. But you wouldn't know that, would you? You walked out on him eight years ago and never looked back. And Da shabi (7) that you are, you don't even bother to tell him why. Do you know how long he waited for you to come back, Heero? Do you know he almost successfully killed himself seven times before he accepted help from any of us? Do you know that we had to spoon-feed him most days, because he wouldn't eat; he wouldn't function. And when we finally got him out of that stage, we had to pick him up at bars in the shadiest parts of town because he was so drunk he could barely stand? And Duo, my Zi ai, is still in love with you after all of that! After all of the pain and the questions, he still loves you. What do you have to say, Heero? What can you possibly offer him? Knowing what you have done to him! Answer me, Yuy! What can you offer him?" Wufei stood shaking with the anger and the pain this was causing him. Duo meant more than anything to him, and he was going to be damned if he let Yuy get that close again.  
  
*****  
  
January 1st, AC 198  
  
~Ding dong!~  
  
At the sound of the cheery bell, Quatre opened the door. "Happy New Year! Duo?? What's wrong?? Where's Heero?" Quatre asked, panicked from the wave of pain that hit him as he opened the door.   
  
"Nushin's da madda, Q." At that, Duo hit the ground, and the pain just shut off.  
  
Quatre breathed a sound of relief, and called for help from Trowa and Wufei. They rushed to the doorway to see Quatre pale as a ghost and slumped against the door, and Duo passed out cold on the ground. "Quatre-love, what happened?" Trowa asked while supporting Quatre, who looked devastated.  
  
"Trowa something's happened to Duo. He's in so much pain. It hurts so much!" Quatre shuddered in Trowa's arms, while Wufei bent down to pick up the obviously inebriated Duo. Then, he noticed a note written in Heero's precise handwriting clutched in Duo's right hand.  
  
"No," Wufei whispered. "Quatre, Trowa, I think I know what's wrong."  
  
Trowa looked down at the Chinese man from his position. "What?"  
  
Wufei pried the note from Duo's iron grip, and handed it to Trowa. "Look at this."  
  
Trowa reached for it and plucked it out of Wufei's hand, while still holding tightly on to his husband. "Oh, Duo........ Quatre?"  
  
Quatre sniffled. "Yes, Trowa."  
  
"I think we've figured out what's wrong. Heero's gone."  
  
"Oh, Allah, no....."  
  
*****  
  
December 25th, AC 205  
  
The glaring contest continued. Wufei was not going to back down, and neither would Heero. People were starting to stare. Quatre and Relena were slowly making their way over to the scene, just as Duo put himself between Heero and Wufei, two immovable forces. "This will stop now!"  
  
Both men started at the sound of their beloved's voice. Heero looked at the fire in Duo's eyes and just melted, in love all over again. Wufei felt broken inside; he had no chance against Yuy. He was the love of Duo's life. Maybe it was time to stop hoping that Duo would love him just as much.  
  
Duo turned away from Heero, and held Wufei's hand. "Love? Love? Wo huo long? Chang!"  
  
Wufei started at his family name. "Yes, Zi ai."  
  
"I need to talk to Heero right now. Would you wait for me? Then, we can go home. I think I've had enough of this wonderful party. Please, give Quatre our regards for me. We'll see him on New Years." Duo leaned in and kissed his Dragon on the cheek.  
  
Wufei came close to shedding tears. "Zi ai? You mean You mean You're not going to leave me?"  
  
Duo's brow furrowed at Wufei's doubt in him. "Cong lai bu, wo ai. (8) I will never leave you. I love you. He had his chance. I– still love him. I do. I just can't take that chance that he will leave me behind. Please, Wufei, trust me. We'll get through this; we always have." Duo kissed Wufei on the lips softly, trying to put as much love as possible into that one kiss. Then, he turned around to face a man he had always loved, but been betrayed by.  
  
Wufei glared at Heero one last time, promising death if harm came to Duo in any way, and then left to find Quatre, who was at the moment struggling to get through the crowd.  
  
*****  
  
January 2nd, AC 198  
  
"Duo?" Quatre asked as he heard Duo groan himself into awareness.  
  
"Q-bean? What are you doing here?" he asked confusedly.  
  
"Duo you showed up for the New Year's party last night, drunk off your ass. What happened?" Quatre asked in concern.  
  
The violet-eyed man wrinkled his brow. //What happened last night? And where is Heero to take me home. Come to think of it Heer-// "Oh god, no. I didn't want to Oh, why did you have to No," Duo mumbled to himself as crystalline tears slid down his cheeks in a steady stream.  
  
"Duo," Quatre said gently. "Is it something to do with this?" He held out the note that Wufei found last night.   
  
Duo looked down at the note written in Heero's script, tears blurring his vision. "Yes," he said brokenly.   
  
Quatre looked at him sympathetically. "He left, didn't he?"  
  
"Yes," Duo said numbly as he hugged himself.  
  
*****  
  
December 25th, AC 205  
  
Heero stood there staring at that was his former lover. "Duo, I–"  
  
"What do you want, Heero?" Duo asked him in clipped tones.  
  
"I– I need to talk to you for a few minutes, alone. Please?" he asked hopefully.  
  
"Fine, follow me. Duo led him through the maze of people and out a side door to a small lounge, and locked the door. Duo sat down, looking expectantly at Heero. Heero, unsure of himself, sat across from Duo. "What did you need to talk to me about?"  
  
"I– God, Duo, I never realized. I–" Heero dropped his head into his hands and started weeping.  
  
Duo's eyes started to mist, and he moved over to the opposite couch, pulling the crying Heero into his arms, beginning to rub soothing circles along his spine and shoulders. "It's all right. Let it out, Heero. Everyone needs to cry." They continued on like that for about ten minutes when Heero started to get a hold of himself again.  
  
Still hiccupping a little and sniffly, Heero gazed into Duo's eyes. "I– I've missed you." He reached up and stroked Duo's cheek. "When no one was there to soothe the nightmares, I just wouldn't sleep. God, Duo, I had no idea it would take so long. I had hoped to neutralize the threat, and come back to you, but...."  
  
"Wait!" Duo interrupted, angrily. "What are you talking about Heero?"  
  
"I left because there was a new threat, and that night. You were you were just so happy. I couldn't take that from you, and make you kill again. God, Duo, I never thought. I never thought it would take so long. I had hoped to be back within the week to explain. Then, everything went wrong. I–" Heero broke down and started weeping again.   
  
"You broke your promise because of me?" Duo asked in disbelief.  
  
Heero looked up at him miserably. "I only did it because I never wanted to see blood stain these hands again," Heero said as he reached for Duo's trembling hands. Duo flinched, pulling his hands out of Heero's reach.   
  
"Heero, why didn't you tell me? I would have understood. I would have waited."   
  
Heero gazed steadfastly at Duo. "You would have insisted on helping, and would have died a little inside each time you picked up your gun. Duo, I know you, body, mind, and soul, and I didn't want to be responsible for it's death."  
  
Duo looked at Heero and sighed. "Heero, we were partners in life. We kept away the nightmares. If you had been there with me, we could have worked through it together. We could still be together, instead of ghosts of our former selves; still clinging to the present with all our might, so the past doesn't swallow us whole."  
  
"Duo." Heero choked, and then calmed himself again after much heavy breathing. "I love you. I've completed the mission. We can finally be at peace. Duo, I can't... I can't..." Tears welled up in his eyes, as the Perfect Soldier finally broke. "I can't live without you. If you don't let me back in, I– Oh, god." Heero sobbed brokenly into his hands as Duo sat next to him, tears streaming down his face.   
  
Duo shuddered. "Heero, I love you. I always will, but I made a promise to Wufei, and myself, that if you ever came back, we could only be friends. I couldn't face it if you left me behind again, Heero. It would kill me. It almost killed me the first time. I'm sorry Heero. I'm with Wufei, and I love him, and I've pledged my body, heart, and soul to him. I love you, Heero. I always will, but I've moved on. You need to too." Duo removed Heero's hands from his face and raised his chin to look into his broken eyes. "Heero, I love you. Goodbye." Duo leaned in and kissed Heero softly on the lips, and pulled back. "Move on. Find some one else, and come tell your best friend about it. I'll always be here for you, Heero. Goodbye."  
  
*****  
  
December 25th, AC 203  
  
"Wufei, I can't do it anymore." Tears streamed down Duo's face as he stood at the balcony's edge. "I can't live without him. I'm empty inside. I–" Duo choked on his tears. "Please, Fei, let me go."  
  
Wufei trembled at the hopelessness in Duo's voice, and did the only thing he could think of. He grabbed on to his legs, pulling him forcibly back from the balcony's edge. "Duo! He's not worth your life! I know you loved him! I know that there's hole in your heart where he used to be. It will always be that way. You will always miss the one you love, but you have to find something to live for, something to give you purpose. Please, Duo, don't do this. Stay with me. We can work through this together. As long as I'm around, you will never be alone again."  
  
Duo looked up at Wufei in astonishment through his tears. "Fei?! I– I don't know what to say."  
  
Wufei held Duo tighter. "I didn't want to do this to you after Heero left. I– I wanted to wait until you felt better, but you didn't get better. I watched you as you let your body waste away, as you drank yourself into many a drunken stupor, and I– I can't take it anymore. Duo, it's been five years; he's not coming back. I know this might be a bit unjust and selfish of me, but– Duo, I love you. Stay alive for me. Find that something to live for; maybe me?" Wufei blushed. "Promise me, promise me that you will never let this happen to you again."  
  
Duo laid there underneath Wufei, and looked up into those ebony eyes. "Fei, I can't— It just hurts too much. I'll never stop loving him, even if I learn to return your love. I will always love him."  
  
Wufei moved his arm from the position at Duo's side and stroked his cheek. "Duo, I don't care, if you can learn to love me, then that will be enough. As long as you live."  
  
Duo thought long and hard looking into those dark eyes, seeing a promise, a future. "I promise."

**Notes:**  
1. Zi ai - Violet love  
2. Ben ai wo zhong - I love my death  
3. Wo huo long - My fiery dragon  
4. Wan ba dan - Bastard  
5. Sch - Shit  
6. Ni shi bai chi - You are an idiot  
7. Da shabi - Dumb cunt  
8. Cong lai bu, wo ai. - Never my love  
  
~Owari, or TBC??~   
Let me know what you think!


	2. Chapter Two ll Could I Be You

Title: Coud I Be You, 2/2 or 2/? You decide!!  
  
Author: Jadeduo  
  
Pairings: Past 1x2, Present 5x2, mention of 3x4  
  
Warnings: ANGST! SAP! Suicidal Duo, swearing, songfic, and that's it......  
  
Archives: Soon to be at my site, Death and the Soldier, and at ff.net under Jadeduo, anywhere else just ask! I will be happy to oblidge!  
  
Disclaimer: Blah blah blah, poor. Blah blah, blah, no own anything Gundam Wing. Blah, blah, blah, *pouts*.  
  
Notes: Well here is more of this craziness I don't know what's come over me..... Although I do know that Chibi-D won't let go of my leg still and is downright begging for more! Please tell me if I should even bother continuing! This part is dedicated to Tai, because even though she hates 5x2 she still wants more! ^^;; And of course this whole thing is Mako's fault, but I wuv her anyway! *huggles Mako* Thanks to everyone who sent me feedback and encouraged me to continue! I will try to get back to you ASAP, just so much going on right now thanks to this! *points down at angst muse who is attached to leg* *huggles everyone* ~Jadeduo  
  
Special Notes:  
  
~noises~  
  
//thoughts//  
  
***** - time and scene change  
  
~~~~~ - scene change   
  
You're laughing out loud  
  
At just the thought of being alive  
  
And I was wondering  
  
Could I just be you tonight  
  
   
  
You show your pain like it really hurts  
  
And I can't even start to feel mine  
  
Well, now standing in place  
  
When my head bursts  
  
Well, I shake, I shake  
  
And I see your progress  
  
Stretched out for miles and miles  
  
~Could I Be You, Matchbox Twenty  
  
   
  
Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish it's source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.   
  
-- Unknown   
  
   
  
We enjoy warmth because we have been cold. We appreciate light because we have been in darkness. By the same token, we can experience joy because we have known sadness.  
  
--David Weatherford   
  
   
  
~Could I Be You~  
  
*****  
  
   
  
December 25, AC 205  
  
   
  
Duo shuddered. "Heero, I love you. I always will, but I made a promise to Wufei, and myself, that if you ever came back, we could only be friends. I couldn't face it if you left me behind again, Heero. It would kill me. It almost killed me the first time. I'm sorry, Heero. I'm with Wufei, and I love him, and I've pledged my body, heart, and soul to him. I love you, Heero. I always will, but I've moved on. You need to too." Duo removed Heero's hands from his face and raised his chin to look into his broken eyes. "Heero, I love you. Goodbye." Duo leaned in and kissed Heero softly on the lips, and pulled back. "Move on. Find some one else, and come tell your best friend about it. I'll always be here for you, Heero. Goodbye."  Duo stood and turned to walk out the door, leaving Heero alone, to think.  
  
   
  
~~~~~  
  
   
  
Duo walked from the room shakily. Wufei spotted him and ran up to support him.  "Duo… Zi ai, are you all right?  Does he know?  Does he-- Does he want you back??"  Wufei looked at his lover with hopeful and sad eyes.  
  
   
  
Duo stopped walking and looked at his lover, with worry still etched across his face.  "Fei-love, I told you already I won't leave you.  I love you.  Don't worry about Heero....  I love him. I always will, but I can never trust him again."  Duo pulled the shaken Chinese man into a warm embrace.  
  
   
  
Wufei sighed in relief.  "I don't mean to doubt you. It's just, you--  you love him.  And, I think as much as you love me, and as much as we have together, you will forget it and--  Duo, I was there when he left.  I saw what it did to you; I never want it to happen again."  
  
   
  
Duo smiled at his lover.  "It won't, wo ai, (1) because now I have you, and you will never leave me."  
  
   
  
Wufei smiled wanly, "Never by choice, zi ai." (2)  
  
   
  
*****  
  
   
  
January 1, AC 206  
  
   
  
Duo smiled brilliantly at Quatre when he opened the door to greet his two friends.  "Hey Kat, Happy New Year!"  
  
   
  
Quatre smiled back, "Happy New Year, Duo!"  He rushed out of the doorway and hugged Duo tightly.  "How are you doing?"  
  
   
  
Duo fidgeted out of the hug and looked into the worried aquamarine eyes.  "I'm doing better, Kat.  That was one hell of a Christmas party you held. I thought for sure that it might have been April Fool's Day for a minute there!"  
  
   
  
Quatre frowned thoughtfully.  "Duo, you don't have to hide from me.  I saw Heero there, too."  
  
   
  
Duo sighed.  "It's alright, Kat.  I didn't have a relapse or anything. 'Fei was there to help me through it, right lover??"  Duo looked back teasingly at the Chinese man, who stood in the shadows behind Duo, waiting for the two best friends to finish greeting each other.  
  
   
  
Wufei nodded in the affirmative.  "Shi de, zi ai."(3)  
  
   
  
Quatre beamed at the affection between the two.  "Duo, Wufei, there's something I have to tell you before you go in though."  
  
   
  
Duo cocked his head curiously.  "What, Quatre?"  
  
   
  
Quatre swallowed nervously. "It's Heero; he's here."  
  
   
  
*****  
  
   
  
December 25, AC 205  
  
   
  
Heero sat alone in the dimly lit room with his thoughts.  //Duo, god I didn't know!  Things will never be the same again.  I--  Oh god...//  Heero buried his head in his hands.  //Was I wrong in my estimation of what would have happened--  Would it really have killed him inside and out??  I know the only thing that kept me going was the thought of him in my arms again.  Could I have done things differently?  Would he have resented me? Does he resent me?  I don't know. I can barely think.  Duo, you were right about one thing. I was always more human than I seemed....//  
  
   
  
~knock! knock!~  
  
   
  
Quatre knocked on the door, and called out to Heero softly, just barely over the buzz of the party.  "Heero, I know you're in there.  Can I come in?"  
  
   
  
Heero tried to get a hold of himself and called out resignedly to Quatre.  "Hai."  
  
   
  
Quatre rushed into the room and sat next to Heero, in the spot that Duo had occupied only moments before.  "Heero, what happened?" Quatre asked gently, placing a hand on Heero's knee to ground him.  
  
   
  
"Duo, he, he-- let me go."  Heero choked up, his emotions still too raw from the encounter from before.  
  
   
  
Quatre looked at Heero in sorrow.  "Heero, what did you expect?  You were gone for eight years.  You never sent him anything, or gave him any indication that you were even alive.  Just that note.  You know it broke him, Heero.  He's been a shadow of his former self for a long time. Only in the past two years has Wufei been able to get through to him.  I know that you don't want to hear this, Heero, but for your sake, and Duo's, maybe you should move on."  
  
   
  
Heero gulped.  "Quatre, I can't, I can't, live-- without him.  I wouldn't know how.  He was always the one I measured my emotions by. I've always counted on him.  Quatre, I still love him, and I don't think I ever will stop.  Please help me. I can't do this.  I can't do it on my own.  I can't be on my own. I'm afraid, Quatre.  I'm afraid of what I will do without him."  
  
   
  
Quatre looked sadly at his friend; once the strongest amongst them, now the weakest alone during peace time.  "I will do my best, Heero.  But for now, until we figure anything out, I think it would be best if you stayed with us.  At least, until you sort yourself out."  
  
   
  
Heero nodded dumbly and then curled up at the edge of the couch to try and get himself under control.  Quatre sighed and stood, walked over to the opposite couch, and picked up the afghan lying across it.  He eased the numb Heero into a more comfortable position and laid the afghan across his still form.  "Heero, get some sleep. I'll make sure no one disturbs you.  We'll talk tomorrow; hopefully, you will feel better then."  
  
   
  
*****  
  
   
  
January 1, AC 206  
  
   
  
"Shen me!!??"(4)  Wufei asked in confusion.  
  
   
  
Quatre sighed and addressed both of his friends.  "Duo, Wufei, I know it's been a long time since he was a part of our group.  But, he always has been, and always will be.  I also know the circumstances between you three, but he needs someone right now. The pain he emits, sometimes… It's just unbearable.  I-I've promised to help him through this, help him get his head on straight.  You two don't have to talk to him, but I think it would mean a lot to him if you did."    
  
   
  
Duo looked down at his hands and sighed heavily.  "Quatre, I--  I don't think this is a very good idea.  I-- I still love him. I don't think I can--"  
  
   
  
Quatre raised Duo face so he could look into his eyes.  "Duo, he needs to be friends with you at least.  He's promised to be good. He doesn't want to lose you entirely.  Will you deny him that?  Will you deny him what little happiness he has left?"  
  
   
  
Duo rubbed his forehead to ease the tension headache that was slowly forming.  "I won't. Just warn him.  I'm still a little raw right now.  Let's just keep it friendly, kay?"  
  
   
  
Wufei wrapped his strong arms around his seemingly weaker lover.  "Are you sure about this, zi ai?  
  
   
  
"Hai, I'm sure, my dragon," Duo affirmed and softly kissed his lover, his anchor.   
  
   
  
*****  
  
   
  
December 26, AC 205  
  
   
  
~knock knock~  
  
   
  
"Heero?  Are you up?  It's me, Quatre.  Can I come in?"  Quatre called out softly.  
  
   
  
Soldier instincts kicking in, Heero startled awake.  "Yes, Quatre you can come in," he said stonily.  
  
   
  
Quatre winced at the empty tone; it was just like during the war.  There was nothing there. It was like the Heero that cried himself to sleep last night never existed.  "Heero, don't do that.  It's okay to be weak around us. We understand, really.  Now, do you feel up to some breakfast?"  
  
   
  
Heero nodded.  "All right, let's go. Trowa is downstairs waiting for us."  Quatre stood and walked out the room with Heero following, until they reached a charming little sunlit dining area, obviously made for no more than five or six people.  Trowa sat there expectantly, waiting for Quatre to return, not expecting Heero to leave the parlor he had shut himself in last night.  Trowa took in Heero's obviously broken form as he watched him enter behind his beautiful husband.    
  
   
  
*Good morning, love. Good morning, Heero. You look like shit."  
  
   
  
Heero smiled wanly. He wouldn't expect less than the truth from Trowa. They had an understanding.  Maybe they should have a talk later - about this whole mess.  "Thanks, Trowa."  
  
   
  
Trowa nodded, and Quatre looked confusedly at them. They always had an understanding he could never understand.  One day, he would ask Trowa about it.  "Well, sit down, Heero.  Is there anything you want?"    
  
   
  
Heero cleared his throat, which was still raw from the night before.  "Coffee, black, no sugar."  
  
   
  
Quatre raised an eyebrow.  "Heero, you have to eat more than that.  I'll have the cook make you some eggs and toast.  That should be sufficiently bland enough for you."  
  
   
  
Heero grunted and nodded in assent.  "So, Heero, where have you been all this time?"  
  
   
  
Heero glared at Quatre, and then sighed.  He had agreed to this, after all.  "As you know, I've always kept a close eye on what goes on around the earth sphere and the colonies.....  A year after the Mariemaia incident, something came up suspicious in one of my searches.  So, I decided to go deep undercover and find out what was going on.  I--  You have to understand I couldn't jeopardize Duo. Killing again-- it would have destroyed him.  I couldn't stand to see Shinigami grinning at me again. He--  he would never admit it, but when Shinigami takes over, it hurts Duo, more than you can imagine."  
  
   
  
Quatre sighed in disappointment at Heero's naivety.  "Heero, you cold have told us. We could have helped.  We would have done anything to stop a threat to the peace.  Maybe Duo wouldn't have had to kill. Maybe we could have solved the problem together."  
  
   
  
Heero flinched.  "We couldn't have. They were tied in with the government. It would have destroyed the peace.  I couldn't allow it to happen, Quatre.  You are all so happy now - together, at peace.  I couldn't force you, any of you, into that life again.  It was easy for me. I'm the Perfect Soldier," he finished bitterly, sipping at the steaming black coffee.  
  
   
  
Quatre blanched at the pain and bitterness emanating from Heero.  "Heero?  What happened?  This isn't like you. Something had to have kept you away for eight years. Did the mission go wrong?"  
  
   
  
Heero looked down into the coffee as black as Wufei's eyes.  //Duo looks into those eyes with such love and devotion and I've lost that.....  How can I take that from him? But, how can I live without him?//  "It did.  Quatre, I'm not ready to talk about the mission.  I'm still a little raw from it.  That and this whole Duo thing. Can we just be friends for a little while?  Before any of this happened?"  
  
   
  
Quatre looked worriedly at Heero.  "Heero, you are going to have to deal with it. Duo and Wufei always come over for New Year's Day.  It's kind of a tradition......  You don't have to be here for it, but I think it would be nice to have us all together as group again."  
  
   
  
Heero looked at Quatre with such pain in his eyes that even Trowa winced.  "I don't think I can, Quatre.  To see him happy and with Wufei.  I--  I can't."  
  
   
  
*****  
  
   
  
January 1, AC 206  
  
   
  
Heero and Trowa were standing in the dining room talking softly when Quatre, Wufei, and Duo entered the room.  Heero looked up and focused on Duo, who bounced lively into the room.  Not expecting his heart to drop to his stomach, Heero sat numbly in a nearby chair, and half sobbed.  "Duo."  As soon as his stomach would let him, he got up and left the room.  
  
   
  
Quatre cried out after Heero.  "Heero!  No!"  Trowa stepped up to his distraught husband and stopped him, rubbing his shoulders in silent support.  "Trowa, he was fine, but then he saw Duo, and it felt like a black hole of pain, despair, and loneliness."  
  
   
  
Duo's eyes misted slightly and he lent into Wufei for support.  "I didn't know, Duo," Wufei said softly.  "I always thought that he couldn't have loved you as much as you loved him.  He looks like half the man I saw on Christmas."  
  
   
  
Duo sobbed silently.  "I know. I know.  He has to move on, though. I can't do this with him.  Maybe this wasn't such a good idea, Quatre.  As much as I would love for us all to be friends again, I don't think it's possible.  It just hurts us both too much."  
  
   
  
Quatre sighed and left the comfort that his lover offered him to stand in front of Duo, eyes blazing.  "Duo Maxwell!  Don't you dare give up on the friendship you two share!  You were best friends before you were lovers!  Just give him some time.  Seeing you happy and with someone else kills him.  It's eating him from the inside out.  He'll just have to work at it.  Please, if not for yourself, do it for me. When he's ready to, be his best friend again," Quatre finished softly.  
  
   
  
Duo moved from Wufei's embrace and hugged the shaking Quatre.  "I'll try, Kat. That's all I can promise right now.  Now, let's get this party going. Maybe we can coax Heero downstairs later."  
  
   
  
Quatre smiled.  "All right, Duo. We do need some stress relief.  Especially, as of late."  
  
   
  
*****  
  
   
  
December 26, AC 203  
  
   
  
Duo blinked, and took in his surroundings.  It was always like this when he woke up from one of his drunken stupors - with a hangover the size of L2.  //Where am I?  What happened last night?  I remember Kat's party and then it's all a blur from there.//    
  
   
  
~knock knock~  
  
   
  
"Duo?" Wufei called through the door.  "Can I come in?  I have coffee for you."  
  
   
  
//I'm at Fei's?  God, he must have had to clean me up or rescue me from another drunken fight.  Why can't I just end it all? Why do I shame myself in front of him and the others....//  
  
   
  
"Duo?"  
  
   
  
Startled from his thoughts, Duo croaked out.  "Yeah, come in, Fei."  
  
   
  
Wufei walked into the sparsely decorated room, carrying a tray with black coffee, aspirin, and dry toast.  "I figured you wouldn't be too hungry after last night, so I brought some toast. You do need to eat though."  Wufei looked pointedly at Duo's emaciated form.  
  
   
  
Duo sighed resignedly.  "I know."  They sat in silence for a moment while Duo drank his coffee after swallowing two aspirin.  "Wufei, what happened last night? I-- I don't remember much."  
  
   
  
Wufei sighed. He knew Duo would ask. He did every time Wufei had to bring him home after a drunken incident.  "You tried to kill yourself again. At Quatre's party."  
  
   
  
Duo smiled wanly.  "I guess I didn't succeed again."  
  
   
  
Wufei snarled.  "Ni shi bai chi! (5)  Maxwell!  I-- you!  I don't know what to do with you!  You promised me!  You promised you would stop this!  That you would stop trying to kill yourself!  You promised me you would find something to live for!"  Wufei started crying softly.  "Duo, I love you. I only want to see you happy. Please stop it. Stop it!  No more morbid jokes. Stop putting up that stupid mask.  We don't believe it anymore. Not since Heero left!"   
  
   
  
Duo frowned at the normally cool and collected Wufei.  //What happened last night?  Did I really promise Wufei all that?//  "Fei," he said softly.  "I need to know now.  What really happened last night?  I don't remember much. It's a little hazy."  
  
   
  
Wufei sniffled, and then, got himself back under his tight control.  "Duo, you promised that you would find something to live for.  And I-- I...."  
  
   
  
"You told me you loved me," Duo finished in awe as the evening before came back to him in a rush.   
  
   
  
"I did," Wufei affirmed.  "So, what are you going to do now, Duo?"  
  
   
  
"I don't know."  
  
   
  
*****  
  
   
  
December 1, AC 210  
  
   
  
Heero sat at the outdoor café, waiting for his best friend and ex-lover.  It had taken a very long time to come to terms with it, but he had.  He could love Duo from afar, as long as he was happy.  They made it a point to meet for lunch or do something friendly once a week.  When he first came back, things hadn't gone as well as he had hoped.  He had found out that Duo and Wufei were together and that he was no longer wanted or needed.  Well, that wasn't right. Duo couldn't trust him, and in turn, couldn't love him.  So, they went back to being best friends, but it hadn't come to them easily.  Being alone without Duo was like learning to breathe again.  They had to take it one day at a time, and it was painful.  
  
   
  
Duo walked up to Heero, who didn't look to be all there.  //Hmm, I wonder what he's thinking about....//  Duo smiled mischievously and snuck up on his best friend, and covered Heero's eyes with his hands.  "Guess who?"  
  
   
  
Heero jumped at the sound of Duo's husky tenor.  "Duo!"  Heero removed the hands from his eyes and got up to hug the braided man.  "I was wondering when you were going to show up!  You're late!"  Duo removed himself from Heero's arms and sat down across from him.  Heero sat down, a little hurt by the way Duo was acting, but said nothing. Sometimes, he would get in these moods.  He would just have to play it by ear.  
  
   
  
"Sorry, Heero, I should have called, but I--"  Duo blushed.  
  
   
  
Heero sighed. They always avoided Wufei when they talked. It was always better that way.  They could forget for just a little while all the baggage and be good friends again.  "It's alright, Duo. I understand if he made you late.   You are lovers. I know that now.  Tell him I won't try anything.  He shouldn't worry so much."    
  
   
  
Duo smiled.  "No, he shouldn't, but he is really, really hot when he gets all possessive."  
  
   
  
Heero blushed a deep red, remembering how much Duo loved it when he would get possessive.... It would always lead to some really kinky sex....   Duo noticed Heero's blush. "I'm sorry, 'Ro."  
  
   
  
Heero got himself back under control and smiled at his gorgeous friend.  Even though they were both thirty now, they still looked like they were twenty-five.  The only thing that had changed was that Heero was dealing with being alone, instead of falling apart at the seams, and Wufei and Duo were married.  "I had a date the other night."  Heero started up the conversation. Talking about his love life always made Duo laugh. He attracted the strangest people.  
  
   
  
Duo laughed.  "Who was it this time?"    
  
   
  
Heero smirked and related the disastrous date from the night before, including the part when his date 'accidentally' tripped onto his lips.  Duo smiled and laughed at all the right parts.  They were friends and he was happy to at least have that.  
  
   
  
*****  
  
   
  
January 1, AC 206  
  
   
  
Heero lay alone in the room that Quatre had given him the day after Christmas when he saw Duo for the first time since he returned.   He didn't think there would be a time when he could be happy ever again.  Duo was no longer in love with him.  He would be alone always.  How could he deal with this?  What would he do if they got married?  How could he handle his beloved being betrothed to another?  Heero shakily searched his bag for the small black velvet box that he had hidden there the same night he moved into the room Quatre gave him.  He found it, and swallowed. Then, he opened the box to look at the matching plain silver bands inside.  They were both heavily made for a man's hand. Duo would have loved them.  Heero dropped the box and curled himself into a tight ball, and cried himself to sleep for the second time since he returned.  
  
   
  
~~~~~  
  
Quatre sat there smiling and nodding, while Duo and Wufei talked about their new home.  Wufei had bought it for Duo as a Christmas present, although, when Duo first found out about it, he was pissed.  But now, now he couldn't be more happy at the way Wufei decorated it for them, the way it was built, everything.  Wufei could not have made a better choice.  This would have been the perfect evening, if he wasn't so distracted by Heero and the pain he emanated from the room upstairs. It was dark. So dark....  
  
   
  
"Quatre?"  Duo tried to get the blond's attention, while Wufei got up to get a warm towel for his head.  Trowa looked worriedly at his husband. He was swaying in his seat.   
  
   
  
Quatre started suddenly and his eyes came into focus.  "What's wrong guys?  You all look worried."  
  
   
  
Trowa looked at Quatre with a raised eyebrow.    "Quatre-love, you were swaying in your seat and you ignored Duo for five whole minutes.  What just happened?"  
  
   
  
Quatre looked perturbed for a moment and then spoke.  "I was distracted....  Heero's in a lot of pain right now.  Maybe I should go up and check on him," he finished worriedly.  
  
   
  
Trowa frowned.  "No, if he's affecting you from so far away, I think I should go. I'm the only neutral party here.  Seeing Duo or Wufei would just hurt him more."  
  
   
  
Quatre and Duo agreed, and Trowa left, just as Wufei walked in the room with the warmed cloth for Quatre.  "Where's Trowa going?"  
  
   
  
Duo sighed softly, hiding the hurt.  "He's going up to see Heero.  He's hurting, and it affected Quatre."  
  
   
  
"Ah, are you all right, Zi ai?"  
  
   
  
Duo looked up into the worried ebony.  "Hai, I'm fine.  It just hurts a bit.  You know?  Heero can't even be around me now.  He must hate me," Duo finished sadly.  
  
   
  
Wufei sat next to Duo and looked around for Quatre, finding him no longer sitting across from them, and he reassured Duo in the best way he could.  "Duo, if he loves you as much as he says he does, then he could never hate you.  He's just in a lot of pain right now.  We've talked about this, about what he did to you, and as much as it pains me to say this you need him and he needs you.  You need his friendship and he yours, and I will have to trust you, my zi ai.  I will have to trust that the love we have is strong enough to survive this time of trial.  I love you, zi ai.  It'll be all right, I promise."  
  
   
  
~~~~~  
  
   
  
~knock knock!~  
  
   
  
"Heero, may I come in? I think we need to talk," Trowa said through the locked door.  Heero ignored Trowa, hoping that he would go away and leave him alone.  "Heero, I'm coming in right now; you need to talk to some one, any one."  Trowa kicked the door open, and was shocked to find Heero curled up in a ball at the foot of his bed.  Trowa walked over to the bed and then stepped on something small.  He bent down to pick it up, and then realized he was holding a small black jewelry box.  Trowa set the box on the night stand, and sat on the bed near Heero.  "Heero, you can't do this to yourself.  You HAVE to move on. It isn't fair to you or Duo."  Heero continued to be non-responsive to Trowa. Trowa sighed and picked up the jewelry box.  "What is this, Heero?"   
  
   
  
Heero looked up and started at what Trowa held in his hand.  He grabbed the box from Trowa's hand quickly and cradled it to his chest lovingly.  "Please, not right now, Trowa. Just leave me alone. Let me find my peace."  
  
   
  
Trowa looked at the cornered animal that was Heero and made a decision.  "Heero, we'll give you time, but pull out of it quick.  It's hurting Duo *and* Quatre almost as much as it hurts you.  Remember, we are all still your friends, even Chang.  When you need us, come to us. We will always do our best to help you."  
  
   
  
Heero thought about it for a while and nodded, still too raw to even speak.  Then, he burrowed himself up underneath the warm quilts, while Trowa quietly left the room.    
  
   
  
~TBC??~  
  
   
  
Notes:  
  
1. wo ai - my love  
  
2. zi ai - purple love (Duo's pet name)  
  
3. shi de, zi ai - yes purple love  
  
4. shen me - what  (I think ^^;;)  
  
5. Ni shi bai chi - You are an idiot 


	3. Chapter Three ll Blurry

Title: What Might Have Been - Blurry, 3/3 or 3/? You decide!!  
  
Author: Jadeduo  
  
Pairings: Past 1x2, Present 5x2, mention of 3x4  
  
Warnings: ANGST! SAP! Suicidal Duo, swearing, songfic, and that's it......  
  
Archives: Soon to be at my site, Death and the Soldier, and at ff.net under Jadeduo, anywhere else just ask! I will be happy to oblidge!  
  
Disclaimer: Blah blah blah, poor. Blah blah, blah, no own anything Gundam Wing. Blah, blah, blah, *pouts*.  
  
Notes: Well here is more of this craziness I don't know what's come over me..... Although I do know that Chibi-D won't let go of my leg still and is downright begging for more! Please tell me if I should even bother continuing! This is still Mako's fault although she is getting mad at me for making her feel sorry for Heero.... *giggles* Which is just too funny, cause it makes Neko mad. I have a general idea where this is going but I'm not sure how it will end, Chibi-D has given me three possible endings... *bangs head on keyboard* And I don't know what to do, so maybe you guys can help! I'm going to put the three possible end pairings at the bottom and mayhap you could tell me what your fave is when you R&R.... *gives chibi-eyes* Pwease!!! Anywho on with the angst! *huggles* Jadeduo  
  
Special Notes:  
  
~noises~  
  
//thoughts//  
  
***** - time and scene change  
  
~~~~~ - scene change   
  
Everyone is changing   
  
There's no one left that's real   
  
To make up your own ending   
  
And let me know just how you feel   
  
'Cause I am lost without you   
  
I cannot live at all   
  
My whole world surrounds you   
  
I stumble then I crawl   
  
~Blurry, By: Puddle of Mudd  
  
~Blurry~  
  
January 2, AC 205  
  
Quatre looked worriedly at Heero, who stood in the doorway of the small breakfast room with his duffle bag, packed, in hand. "Heero, where are you going?"  
  
Heero looked at Quatre stonily. "I'm leaving; I can't stay here any longer. I'm going to go see Relena, and then I'm going to find something to give me peace. I thought Duo would be my peace for a long time, but he has found his and it is without me."  
  
Trowa smiled softly in ascent, but Quatre just bore holes through Heero's head with his glare. "I can't believe this! Heero, you are in no condition to do this right now! Duo tried this too, and it didn't work. He fell apart! You can't get through losing someone you love so dearly by yourself, Heero! I know! I've seen the way he looks at you, and you look at him! This isn't right! You should stay here; give yourself time to heal."  
  
Heero smiled softly at Quatre. "And what did Duo say to that, Kat?"  
  
Quatre's face fell in defeat. "Fine. Do what you want, Heero, but I'm not going to let you get to the point that Duo did. The first time I have to bail you out of jail from a drunken fight is the last time I let you leave this estate. Got it? You know you two are too stubborn for your own good, right?"  
  
Heero looked at Quatre brokenly. "Hai, I know, but I have to find my own way. If I don't, I'll just let myself rot here in the misery and suffering. Thank you, Quatre, Trowa. Please give my love to Duo, and my respect to Chang." With that, Heero left the mansion like a ghost that was never there.  
  
*****  
  
December 26, AC 203  
  
Duo and Wufei sat on the bed in silence, both thinking of the future, the past, and what they would do now. Wufei studied the broken form before him. Duo had never looked this bad before. He hadn't eaten anything real in months; he was all skin and bones. His eyes had this haunted dreamy look, as if he felt that he would wake up sometime from this nightmare. He radiated sadness and pain. The man before him was not the manic Shinigami he knew during the war, nor was he the good friend he had gained after it. The man before him was broken by the hardship and pain of five years; the day that Heero left. "Duo?"  
  
Duo looked up at Wufei, tears dripping from his too large violet eyes in a sunken face. "Wha - at?"  
  
"We need to figure out what you are going to do with yourself now that you've decided to take control of your life." Wufei looked at Duo expectantly.  
  
Duo studied his hands, not wanting to face the upcoming challenge of getting his life back in order. "I don't know, Wufei. I-- I don't know what to do with myself now. I want to be able to let go, but I-I love him so much. I don't even know how to take the first step."  
  
Wufei frowned and then took a deep breath; this would take some convincing. "Well, first of all, I think you need to move out of that apartment you've been living in for the past five years, and move into the guest bedroom here. Wallowing in the place you were happy with Heero can't be good for your sanity. I promise I won't try anything, that would be-- dishonourable. I've also talked to Quatre about this; we think you need to be seeing a psychiatrist."  
  
"No! I'm not crazy!" Duo yelled at Wufei petulantly.  
  
Wufei sighed. "No, you're not, Duo. We just thought that you would want someone else to talk to - a neutral party, if you will. We aren't able to help you. God knows we've tried... Duo, we just want you to get better. Will you agree to these terms? Will you agree to let us help you get on the right track? It won't work if you resist this; if you don't do this to help yourself."  
  
Duo sat there and thought a while. He never lied, and he had promised Wufei; he had promised that he would try to move on. To get his life back together. If doing these things would get them off his back for a while, he would do them, but he would not give up his and Heero's apartment. The others wouldn't have to know. He just couldn't let go what little he had left of Heero. This would be the one thing that he could hold onto. "Okay, Wufei. Okay."  
  
*****  
  
January 2, AC 205  
  
Relena stood up to calmly greet Heero, who stood awkwardly in front of her. "Heero! It is so good to see you. Where have you been all this time? We've missed you. Have you seen Duo yet? He's missed you."  
  
Heero blanched at the cutting statement. "I'm sorry, Relena. I--"  
  
Relena smiled. "I'm sorry, Heero. Sit down. You obviously came here for a reason. Now, how can I help you?"  
  
Heero sat down in the elegant surroundings, uncomfortable. "Relena, I--" Heero buried his head in his hands, unsure of asking her for a favor after all of this time; after all he had put her and everyone else through these last few years. Relena, sensing his dilemma, removed his hands from his head and smiled.  
  
"Heero, it's alright to need help. Tell me. What is it?" she asked kindly.  
  
Heero gazed into her sincere cornflower blue eyes. "I'm so sorry, Relena, to ask you this, but-- I need help. Quatre offered, but I-- I can't bring myself to spend time around them. It-- it hurts too much. Would you-- I need help finding a new apartment. I'm pretty sure Duo sold ours after I left, and I--"  
  
Relena smiled sympathetically. "I can help you with that, Heero. I'll call my realtor. I'm sure we can work something out in one minute." Relena left the room quickly, returning with an address and a name for Heero. "Here you go, Heero. The address is on that card, as well as my personal phone number. You can reach me there day or night. If you go now, you'll be able to make your one o'clock appointment. Her name is Cynthia. Be good, Heero, and don't drive the woman too crazy."  
  
Heero smiled brilliantly and gave the shocked Relena a firm hug. "Thank you, Relena! I hope that we can be good friends again." With that, he left the room. After he left, Relena sat in her seat, dazed. She had dreamed of the moment that Heero would show so much emotion, and it wasn't because of her. It would never be because of her. It was because of Duo; it would always be Duo.  
  
~~~~~  
  
Cynthia stood up from her desk to greet her newest client sent over by Miss Relena herself. Heero Yuy was more mesmerizing than she would have imagined, but she had a job to do, and she had promised Miss Relena that she would do her best. "Hello, Mr. Yuy. Please, have a seat. Now, what do you think you will be looking for?"  
  
Heero studied the neatly dressed woman before him. She was older; maybe mid-thirties, but she radiated confidence in her abilities. Heero was sure that he would be able to trust her. "You may call me Heero, Cynthia. I'm looking for a two bedroom one bath apartment, with a galley kitchen, and maybe a living room/dining area attached. Something simple and in a neighborhood that is close to my friends."  
  
Cynthia nodded in ascent. She knew who Heero's friends were. Miss Relena had informed her of the situation when she called. This could prove to be a stressful day for her. "Okay. First, I'll need some references from your previous place of residence, and some basic financial information so we can get started." Heero gave her the basic information and she typed it into her computer to see what she could find. Then, something popped up on her screen that shocked her. "Mr. Yuy - I mean, Heero, it says here that you already have a place of residence here in London."  
  
Heero started from his chair and looked at the information displayed on the screen. It was the address to his and Duo's old apartment. Duo had kept it. What should he do? The apartment by right was still half his, but he had left Duo with it. He had expected the violet-eyed man to sell it by now, especially since he lived with Wufei now in their new home. Heero shuddered in pain and shrunk down in his seat. Duo had kept their home........ Why?  
  
"Mr. Yuy, are you all right?"  
  
Heero startled from his pain induced stupor. "I'm sorry, Cynthia. I need to make a phone call. Can I use your phone, and maybe your office, for a few minutes?"  
  
"Certainly. I'll return shortly. Just make sure it's local," she said and left the room.  
  
"Thank you," Heero murmured and he dialed Duo and Wufei's number.   
  
~Ring! Ring!~  
  
"Hallo!" Duo said energetically into the phone.  
  
Heero swallowed nervously. "Duo?"  
  
Duo turned a ghostly pale hue. "Heero? What did you want?"  
  
Heero trembled at the pain in the voice on the other end of the line. "I'm sorry, Duo, but I'm at the realtors office looking for an apartment. And-and, I found out that you kept our place. I-I I'm not presuming anything, Duo. I just wanted to know… s-since you live with Wufei… would it be okay for me to live there?" Heero swallowed, trembling from the pain he hadn't wanted to deal with right then.  
  
Duo's heart sunk to his feet. //But, that-that is my special place. I go there to pull myself back together. What am I going to do; say no? Then he will know. God! I don't want to deal with this! I can't just turn him out on the street! I guess I'll have to let him have it. Maybe, maybe we can work something out.// "Heero? I-I still use the apartment. If you don't mind me popping up once in a while and locking myself in the bedroom, it's all yours," Duo said seriously.  
  
Heero sighed. This could be bad, but he could never deny Duo anything. "You are always welcome to stay with me Duo."  
  
Duo sighed. "Thanks, Heero. Would you mind taking the guest bedroom? I-I have some stuff in the master bedroom I don't want anyone to see.... Now, I had some stuff to do today.... Did you need a key?"   
  
"Okay, Duo. I'll leave it alone, and no I don't need a key. I still have one. I'll see you around, Duo," Heero said hopefully.   
  
"Yeah, Heero, I guess you will," Duo murmured resignedly.  
  
*****  
  
January 15, AC 204  
  
"So, Duo, how have you been feeling lately? Has the medication helped?"  
  
Duo sat in the comfortable office of the psychiatrist that Quatre had recommended. //God! I don't want to be here. I want to be at home with Heero! There I go again! Heero's gone! He left me; alone!//  
  
The psychiatrist looked in concern at her patient. He always did this during their sessions - blocked her out. How did his friends deal with all of the pain this poor young soul radiated? He was like half a person. "Duo? I need your full attention during our sessions. You don't seem to be dealing with this very well. Do I need to back off?"  
  
Duo jumped out of his stupor, and looked at the kindly older women before him. "I'm sorry, Sherah. I-I, I was thinking about him again."  
  
Sherah sighed. This was going to be long session. "Duo, we've talked about this. You can't keep focusing on the past. You have to focus on the future. I know you loved him, but you can't keep doing this to yourself, your friends - the people that love you."  
  
Duo raked his messy bangs through with his hands. He had to get through this. She was right, but how would he do it? How could he just forget? About Heero, about how much they loved each other? Duo shuddered in pain. "I'm sorry, Sherah. I just-- You know, it's hard for me. He was my world. He was the only reason I kept living after the war. I would have killed myself long ago if there wasn't still some small chance that he might come home to me, alive."  
  
"Duo, you never told me exactly how it happened. I know only as much as Quatre has told me, and you have been decidedly tight-lipped about it. What could have made him leave? From what you've told me, you were his entire world, and I believe he would have self-destructed at war's end had it not been for your influence."  
  
Duo sighed. He figured this would come up. "I don't know much. It was the day after Christmas. I woke up alone; although, it would happen more often than not, because He-Heero… he would go on a long jog once a day, usually in the morning. So, I didn't think much of it. I went to our small kitchen and found some coffee waiting for me. He-he always would make coffee for us before he went out. I sat at the kitchen table, drinking my coffee, and that's when I noticed the note. It was written so matter-of-factly. Here. Read it." Duo pulled a crumpled piece of paper from his pocket, worn thin and messy with dried tears. He handed it to her like it was a treasure of great value.   
  
Duo-love,  
  
I had some unfinished business I needed to take care of. If I'm not back by the New Year, I'm sorry. Sorry for all the chances I will miss to show you that I love you. Please, be happy. Try and find someone new to love. I was never really worth your love anyway. Maybe I will be back someday, but the future can never be certain. I wanted to let you know that I never expected to live beyond the first war, and it is all thanks to you that I have known joy and love. If I don't come back, presume me dead.  
  
Ai shiteru, Shinigami. Eien ni,  
  
Heero  
  
The psychiatrist teared up. This was not what she had expected of the man that had been described to her. Many said he had been cold-hearted and never really loved this vibrant emotional man before her. How could she believe that? How could they? Duo was an emotional man. How could she doubt the man he loved would be just as emotional? Well, probably because he was good at hiding it.... "Duo, I didn't know. How many people have seen this?"  
  
Duo shrugged nonchalantly, and snatched it from her trembling hands. "You, maybe the guys. I don't know. You're the only person I've shown it to willingly. I know he really loved me, and I'm positive he still loves me. But, I have no idea where he is now, or if he's even alive. It kills me feeling this helpless."  
  
Sherah sighed. This could take longer than she had hoped. Things were much more complex now. "Duo, why didn't you go after him?"  
  
Duo sighed. "He didn't want me too. He had his reasons. I was so angry at first, ya know? I didn't ever want to see him again, and then the despair set in. I've searched high and low for him and never found him. I still have a search going on him till this day. All my leads have been dead ends. He had already moved on, or it wasn't even him. I don't know what the unfinished business was, but I'm pretty sure it was a mission. Something that was so horrible he didn't want to involve me in it - something personal. I don't know, Doc.... And, now, there's Wufei. I can't just keep stringing him along. He's my friend, and I do love him, in a way. It's just different from the way I love Heero, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to move on."  
  
"Duo, from what Wufei has told me, he loves you very much. But-- he would never force you into a relationship you aren't ready for. Maybe you should test the waters. Go slowly. Let yourself learn about who Wufei is. Find out why he loves you, and just follow your emotions. Duo, five years is a long time to be alone, and I know you might not want to hear this, but-- Heero wanted you to be happy, not to be on the brink of death almost everyday. Ready to drown yourself in sorrow. Think about it, Duo. What did Heero say?"  
  
Duo shuddered. "H-he wanted me to be happy; to find someone else. I just don't think I'll ever be ready for that. Even after all this time, I still love him."  
  
"And does Wufei know that?"  
  
"He does." Duo swallowed.  
  
"And he still wants to be with you - even though you love another and probably always will."  
  
"Yes," Duo murmured, unsure of himself.  
  
"Then, maybe you should give it a shot with Wufei. See how it makes you feel. This could be your very first step towards moving on."  
  
"I can try."  
  
*****  
  
January 2, AC 205  
  
Heero stood before the door of his and Duo's old apartment, afraid. Afraid of what lie in store for him when he opened the door. //Will it be different? Did he put pictures of him and Wufei up? Is it completely different from what I remember? Oh god! I shouldn't do this to myself. I should open the damn door! Am I really ready for this? Duo, I love you so much. Why did you keep this place so full of memories? Memories of us? Don't you want to forget? Didn't you want to forget? How did you deal with this pain everyday? It's so consuming. It hurts to take every step. I-I. Damnit! That's it! I'm going in!// Heero turned the key in the lock and opened the door.  
  
Heero reached for the light by the door and illuminated the small, but neat, apartment. Nothing had changed. It was like he never left. The pictures of them together, even the outdated appliances. Everything was as it was the day he left the other half of his soul behind. He stood there in awe, and thought, // Why would Duo keep it like this? Why would he? He is with Chang now, right? He still loves me. He has to. There is no other explanation for this. But he told me that… the day he let me go. God, I'm such a screw up!// Heero slammed the door shut and locked it behind him, then sunk down on the sofa he and Duo bought all those years ago when they first moved in. They had been so happy on that day. But that was then, and now... and now....   
  
As Duo had said, they were ghosts now. Ghosts that were trying to make a present for themselves with the past slowing them down. Waiting for crucial moment when they were at there most vulnerable to strike. "What have I done?" Heero sobbed and curled himself up into the well worn couch. He cried, letting all the hurt and pain leak out, until he was empty and could finally sleep at peace.  
  
*****  
  
January 15, AC 204  
  
Duo snuck into Wufei's neat apartment, hoping Wufei wouldn't notice that he was home. "Duo, you're home. So, how as your appointment?"  
  
Duo cringed. //Damnit!// "Erm, fine, Fei.... Nothing too exciting. Same ole, same ole..."  
  
Wufei wrinkled his nose. Duo was hiding again. "Duo, you don't have to hide from me. I mean, if you don't like Dr. Sherah, then we can find another psychiatrist..."  
  
Duo sat down across from his friend. "No, no, it's not that at all. I like Sherah. She just gave me some stuff to think about. You know, about Heero, and... you."   
  
Wufei sighed. "Duo, you don't have to talk about it. I would like to know what she said to you to distract you this much, but I won't pry."  
  
Duo looked into the sincere ebony eyes staring at him from across the coffee table. He could do this. "Wufei.... she... erm.... I don't know how to say this..." Duo blushed to the tip of his braid. "She suggested I give 'us' a shot," he blurted out before he could stop himself.  
  
Wufei gasped and his cheeks tinged a light pink color. "Duo- I- would love to give 'us' a shot, but if you're not ready, it will just end up hurting us both, and you will be worse off than you were before."   
  
Duo hugged himself tightly. "I know, Fei. It's just.... I want to feel again. Anything... Anything, but this constant pain in my chest.... I want to smile for no reason. I want to be held and loved. And I can really think of no other person besides Heero who could do that for me. Fei, I do feel for you, and it could be more, but I'm not sure I will ever really be truly ready for 'us.' I mean, could you truly be happy with me even though I will always love another? And can I do that to you? Make you suffer so I could be happy?"  
  
Wufei crossed the room and sat closely next to his braided friend. "Duo, I love you, and I would be happy with whatever you have to give." Wufei leaned in and kissed Duo softly on the lips; not in a demanding way, but in a giving way. "When you feel you are ready to give me that chance, I will be here. I love you. You are my Zi ai."   
  
Duo blushed deeply, and shuddered. "Thank you, Fei. I will think about this for a while, and then talk to Sherah about it when I see her." Duo kissed Wufei on the cheek quickly and breezed out of the room to take sanctuary in his own.  
  
*****  
  
January 3, AC 205  
  
Heero woke up the next morning on the couch, still huddled in on himself. He was stiff and sore from the uncomfortable position he had fallen asleep in. //What? Where am I? The couch? Why would I be sleeping on the couch?// Heero thought groggily, and then the past few years came crashing back to him.... Heero got up slowly and walked into the kitchen, looking for something to make coffee with. To his surprise, the kitchen was fully stocked with non-perishables, including the brand of coffee that he would make every morning for the two of them. //Why would Duo have food here? What is going on? Why would Duo do this? I thought.... This is so strange....// Heero sighed and set the coffee brewing and walked into the living room to get his duffel and headed for the small bathroom.   
  
Heero opened the door to find the bathroom as well stocked as the kitchen. There were clean towels sitting on the rack, as well as Duo's shampoo and conditioner sitting on the tub's edge. Heero sighed and turned on the shower head. Giving adequate time for the water to heat up, he stripped, and stepped into the shower. Heero leaned against the cool wall and let the steaming water wash away the stress and pain from the last couple of days. He stood like that for a while and then grabbed for the nearest shampoo bottle, not realizing it was Duo's.  
  
Heero scrubbed his scalp efficiently, and then the vanilla scent of the shampoo wafted down from his scalp to his nose. The scent reminded him of Duo and all of the times he had spent smelling that vanilla scented hair of his.... That lead to other things, and his mind wandered to thoughts of Duo laying naked next to him, both sated after a long session of love-making, his hair spread out all around them; cocooning them from the rest of the world. Heero sighed as he felt his erection stir to life from the combination of scents and memories. He ignored it for the moment and rinsed his hair of the vanilla scented shampoo, then proceeded to methodically scrub himself with the soap that had already been sitting in the soap dish. Heero finished washing everywhere but his swollen need. The warm water only enhanced the feel of being touched everywhere by warm hands. Heero gave up all pretense and let the memories take him.  
  
Heero pictured their first night together - the passion, the soft kisses, the love, the gentleness. Heero moaned as wrapped his calloused fingers around his firm erection, pumping the satin over steel and bringing images to mind of Duo and him together making love. Heero felt the water caress him as only Duo would; lingering phantom touches that only served to arouse him further. He grasped his erection and squeezed tightly, welcoming the slight pain and continued to pump slowly. "Duo, please...... Oh god!"  
  
He slumped down to the shower floor and spread his legs, fondling his sac before moving slowly to the hidden entrance that only Duo had explored. Heero circled his soap slick finger slowly around the quivering entrance, while stroking his shaft slowly. He plunged the finger slowly and set up a steady rhythm to match the cock thrusting into his hand. Heero moaned in abandon and pictured his Duo thrusting slowly into him, savouring their lovemaking, those beautiful violet eyes darkened in lust and moaning his name. Heero moaned loudly as his finger hit his prostate hard, triggering his and the imaginary Duo's climax at the same time. White spots flashed behind his eyes as he screamed Duo's name, leaving Heero sated, but empty, and once again alone....  
  
*****  
  
January 17, AC 204  
  
Duo and Wufei sat inside the psychiatrist's office quietly, not speaking to one another, deep in their own thoughts. Duo squirmed and fiddled with his braid as he sat next to onyx-eyed man, studying his brooding countenance. //Can I do this? Do I really have the courage to move on without him, to love someone else? Was Sherah right? Is Fei exactly what I need right now? Someone to love me and cherish me, even though my full attention will not always be there? I love him as a friend, that's for sure, and now that I look at him, yes, there could be more. He respects me, he even loves me with all of my weaknesses. How can my weak caring and love be enough for this strong-willed person? But then again, what do I have to lose?//  
  
Wufei stared at the bland beige wall in the waiting area of the psychiatrist's office. He sat there, still and thoughtful, not fully comprehending this whole strange situation he was in. //I love Duo, and by God I haven't figured out how the braided fool has wormed his way into my heart, but it has happened. What is wrong with me hoping for more? For needing someone? Nataku, it is weak! I can't need him.// Wufei studied the elfin profile and was lost. //He is beautiful inside and out. I never had a chance. Nataku, I know you are laughing at me somewhere up there for being in love with half a man, who is just as bright when half of his soul is lost. I love you, Duo, and I will do everything in my power to prove it to you.//  
  
They both turned to each other, and said, "We need to talk." Duo blushed, and Wufei took the initiative.  
  
"Duo, I love you, and I really want to give this a chance." Wufei looked at Duo hopefully, while Duo wrung his hands nervously.  
  
"I would like to try to, Fei, but-- but-- we are going to have to take things very slowly. I can't just jump into this head first, yanno? I want to have with you what I had with-- He-- him, but it's going to take a lot of time and patience with me. I'll need all the support you can muster."  
  
Wufei pulled Duo abruptly into a strong embrace, and whispered softly into his ear. "It'll be alright, Duo. Whatever you need, I will give it my all. I can be just as stubborn as you, Duo Maxwell, when I fall in love."  
  
Duo smiled. "I know, Fei. That's why I'm moving out of the old apartment and into yours, permanently. This will be our first step towards loving each other the way we deserve to be loved. Is that okay, Fei?" Duo asked hesitantly.  
  
Wufei could only hold Duo tighter. "Yes! Duo! This is-- this is more than I would have ever asked for. I will do whatever it takes for you to trust what we have. Zi ai, I love you."  
  
*****  
  
January 3, AC 205  
  
Heero spent the day puttering around the apartment, trying to stop the memories. But they wouldn't stop, and by late afternoon, he was driven to distraction. Heero slumped down on the bed in the guest room where he had put his stuff down. //What have I done? How could I do this to myself? How can I live without him? I have to find something to do with myself, otherwise I will drive myself mad. I know for sure that Duo does not want me out of his life, but to what extent does he still need me. He's happy. He has Wufei. I screwed up! It's all my fault! I loved him and I threw it away!// Heero let the tears fall silently and he curled into himself and then the phone rang loudly. He ignored it as long as he could, but it just wouldn't stop. //It has to be Quatre....// Heero rolled to his side, wiped his tears on the quilt, and answered the phone by the bed.  
  
"Hello? Heero? How are you?" Quatre asked sunnily.  
  
"Hello, Quatre. How did you know I was here?" Prussian blue eyes narrowed in on the bright aquamarine.  
  
Quatre smiled disarmingly. "I called Duo yesterday, and he told me you would be staying at your old apartment. I just wanted to see how you were doing. The place kind of creeps me out."  
  
Heero looked at the shrine to their relationship and looked at Quatre. "It is kind of creepy. It's like I never left...." Heero trailed off.  
  
Quatre sighed. "Yeah, Duo had a hard time letting go when you left Heero. He kept it that way a long time, never leaving, unless to get drunk - until he moved in with Wufei. He still goes there sometimes to be by himself. Just keep out of his way when he does. He's not pleasant to be around when he's like that.... Anyway, I called to offer you a job, just so you don't drive yourself to distraction in that place. So what do you say, Heero?"  
  
Heero looked off to the side to stare at the picture of him and Duo together, remembering the day they had hung the picture in the tiny guest room. "I kind of like it. It's nice to know that Duo still loves me, but you are right. I will go mad if I'm stuck here for too long. I'll take it as long as it's a desk job."  
  
Quatre smiled brightly. "Exactly what I had in mind. How would you like to be in charge of network security at WEI?"  
  
Heero bestowed a tiny smile on the exuberant blond. "I would love to, Quatre. Thank you. I'll see you tomorrow. Eight AM?"  
  
"That's fine, Heero. Goodnight."  
  
Heero looked startled at the blank screen. //It's night? I-- oh-- Duo...// Heero curled up under the quilt he had fallen asleep on and wrapped the bedclothes around him to protect him from the pain and hurt. "Duo, I love you. I'm sorry...." Heero whispered out to the night, as if the one he loved would hear and return to him.  
  
*****  
  
January 19, AC 204  
  
Duo and Wufei had spent most of the day moving Duo's most important items out of the old apartment and into his room at Fei's. They were both exhausted and went to bed early. Wufei passed out as soon as his head hit the pillow, while Duo lay awake in his room confused and alone. "I'm so sorry, Heero. I know I promised myself that I would wait for you, but-- I don't even know for sure if you are still alive. Why did you leave me? You promised - you promised you would always be there for me! I-- You know, I would give anything to see you again. My one and only, I love you. I will always be with you. But-- but-I can't go on like this. I love you. I'm sorry..." Duo whispered into the night hoping someway, somehow, Heero would hear, and return to him.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Potential End Pairings  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
1. 1x2x5  
  
2. 5x2, 1x6  
  
3. Unrequited 1x2 (note this would make the end VERY sad) 


	4. Chapter Four ll The Difference

Title: What Might Have Been - The Difference, 4/? You decide!!  
  
Author: Jadeduo  
  
Pairings: Past 1x2, Present 5x2, 6+1, 1x6.... mention of 3x4 (note these pairings are subject to change with every chapter, and they will!)  
  
Warnings: ANGST! SAP! Suicidal Duo, swearing, songfic, lemon, and that's it......  
  
Archives: Soon to be at my site, Death and the Soldier, at ff.net under Jadeduo, and Mako-chan's Fanfic archive - http://www.afallenangel.net/makotosagara/frames/fanfiction.html, anywhere else just ask! I will be happy to oblige!  
  
Disclaimer: Blah, blah, blah, poor. Blah, blah, blah, no own anything Gundam Wing. Blah, blah, blah, *pouts*.  
  
Notes: *sighs* I wasn't expecting this chapter to take so long, and I wasn't expecting it to take the turn it did.... And yes, I have decided on the final pairing will be an eventual 1x2x5, how we get there is for me to know and you to find out..... Not even my betas know where this is going.... *cries* I didn't expect this to be so long, and involved, and complicated.... *glares at Mako-sissy* This is all your fault! *huggles her anyways* Anywho this is dedicated to my Grandmother who drives me insane and if she knew about this hobby would have a fit..... And this is also dedicated to my Mako-sissy, who is my inspiration! *huggles* ~Jadeduo  
  
Special Notes:  
  
~noises~  
  
//thoughts//  
  
***** - time and scene change  
  
~~~~~ - scene change   
  
Every word you never said  
  
Echoes down your empty hallway  
  
And everything that was your world  
  
Just came down  
  
Day breaking on the boulevard  
  
Feel the sun warming up  
  
Your second hand heart  
  
Light swimming across your face  
  
And you think  
  
Maybe someday, yeah  
  
Maybe someday  
  
-The Difference, Matchbox Twenty  
  
~The Difference~  
  
******  
  
December 1, AC 210  
  
Heero lay alone in his apartment, staring up at the ceiling as the night passed him by. The apartment, while still half his, did still belong to Duo by right, and no matter what, it never felt like the home it used to be. //Because Duo isn't here.// Heero sighed and turned on his side to look at the old picture of them taken when they were seventeen; they looked so happy. //How could I be so blind? What I wouldn't give for just one more night; one more chance. Duo looked so beautiful today, still winded from lovemaking, flushed and ethereal - like an angel. I will just have to resign myself to being lonely for the rest of my life. Just so I can be near you, to touch you, to hold you, if only as a friend. You are my world, and always will be.//  
  
Heero got up. Sleep wouldn't come tonight. Like many nights before, he would just have to go without it, or risk being a zombie the next day. He padded into the kitchen and made some strong black tea and booted up his laptop. He signed onto his messenger program in the hopes that someone he knew would be on tonight; otherwise, he would have to put in some overtime tonight.   
  
PinkPrincess Heero? What are you doing on so late?  
  
BrokenWing Hi Relena, couldn't sleep again  
  
PinkPrincess Heero you are getting way too old to be putting in long nights like this  
  
BrokenWing I know, but I saw Duo today. And he well....  
  
PinkPrincess :( Heero he didn't do anything did he?  
  
BrokenWing I don't know I just.... I think he stiffened when I hugged him. I-- Relena....  
  
PinkPrincess I understand Heero, I do, but, don't you think that maybe he was just caught off guard?  
  
BrokenWing I don't know, but Rel he used to just melt into my embrace and now I'm lucky if I get a stiff hug.  
  
PinkPrincess Heero, *hugs* It'll be all right. Duo, I think, is just worried about what Wufei would think. He loves him you know that right?  
  
BrokenWing I know Rel, I do. It's just.... I still love him.  
  
PinkPrincess I know Heero. So how was your date last weekend?  
  
BrokenWing Horrible. Rel I appreciate you trying it's just that, I can't relate to men the same age. They are all children, they all either act like total fools or they are afraid of me. I want a partner, I don't want a sub.  
  
PinkPrincess *sighs* Heero you have to at least try....  
  
BrokenWing I'm trying! But it's never enough! I can't do this. Duo was everything I could ever want and I threw it away! How could I be so stupid?  
  
PinkPrincess *hugs* Heero you did it for him! You did it for the peace. I know it's hard to swallow, but you have to believe it was for the best.  
  
BrokenWing I know, I just wish I could meet someone who could be my equal. And understand this whole mess, I can't lie about Duo and what he means to me.  
  
PinkPrincess I might have the answer to your prayers.  
  
BrokenWing *groans* Rel please! No more blind dates!  
  
PinkPrincess Wouldn't really be blind… you already know him.  
  
BrokenWing I know I'm going to regret this, who?  
  
PinkPrincess My brother, Zechs.  
  
BrokenWing Relena! What are you thinking? We were ENEMIES, and why would he even be interested in an ex-Gundam pilot?  
  
PinkPrincess Well.... As you know we've just started talking again....  
  
BrokenWing AND....  
  
PinkPrincess We got to talking about you, and well he would really appreciate it if you let him take you out to dinner on Friday.  
  
BrokenWing *glares* Relena! How could you do that to me? What if I had, had plans?  
  
PinkPrincess Don't give me that Yuy. When are you ever going to let yourself feel again? It kills me to see you fall behind that mask every time we go out in public! You have got to move on! Duo did, and look at him! He's fine!  
  
BrokenWing It took him six almost seven years to get over me, and he had someone! I have no one! And you know what Relena? He still loves me!   
  
PinkPrincess Heero, calm down, I know, I know that you still love each other. But it's over, you can never go back again.  
  
BrokenWing Relena.... I'm sorry.... Can we not talk about this?  
  
PinkPrincess If you promise to let Zechs take you out.  
  
BrokenWing Fine 7PM Friday, but if he's late I'm not opening the door.  
  
PinkPrincess Thank you so much Heero! You won't regret this!  
  
BrokenWing I better not.... So cheer me up, how was your day?  
  
*****  
  
January 20, AC 204  
  
~Ding Dong!~  
  
Quatre rushed up to the door. It had to be Duo and Wufei. He opened the door and there stood Wufei looking slightly chagrined. "Wufei! What are you doing here without Duo?"  
  
Wufei walked calmly past Quatre, who shut the door. Quatre turned to face the glowering Chinese man. "Now, tell me what happened, and why Duo isn't here."  
  
Wufei sighed, letting the anger leave him; now was not the time. "He wouldn't come."  
  
Quatre raised a golden eyebrow at him. "Why? I thought he was getting better, and that you and him.... were..."  
  
"We are, were... I don't know what to do, Quatre. He... he's impossible. Last night, he spent all night on the computer searching for Yuy, and didn't get any sleep. Sometimes, I wonder if pressuring him this way is a good way to do this. I mean yes we got him out of that apartment, but--" Wufei slumped against the parlour wall.   
  
Quatre walked over to his forlorn friend. "Wufei, you are going to have to be patient; this is going to take a lot of time. Duo is not just going to fall into your arms. He truly and deeply loves Heero. But, he also cares you for you, Wufei; it's just going to take a very long time to blossom into love. He's been hurt, and he's still healing. Just be patient. Don't let your hopes interfere with his progress. Don't lose sight of the fact that although he is getting better, he can still summon up that mask of his that shields his true feelings from all of us."  
  
"I know, Quatre. I just.... I just wish I had met him before Yuy; then this would have never happened."   
  
Quatre looked sadly at his friend. "You can't know that Wufei. Go home to him spend some time, help him heal. We can do dinner next week, okay?"  
  
Wufei straightened and bowed to his long time friend. "I thank you for your kindness."  
  
*****  
  
December 6, AC 210  
  
Zechs fidgeted nervously with the cuffs of his ice blue silk shirt and stared at the door of Heero Yuy's apartment. He had always been fascinated by the young man, but had never had the chance to get to know him during the war - being on opposite sides and all. To be fair, all of the Gundam Pilots had caught his attention, but Heero Yuy, the pilot of Wing, the most of all. His skill was phenomenal, and his intensity almost frightening. And now, he was here for a date with man, because of his conniving little sister. He was sure of it.... Might as well see if this was meant to be a disaster or not....  
  
~Knock knock!~  
  
Heero pulled open the door to reveal Zechs, who looked decidedly older than he had at nineteen, but he carried himself well. His hair still falling down to the middle of his back, his sharp ice blue eyes never lost their intensity, and he obviously still worked, out due to the well-muscled tanned skin that rippled through the soft silk shirt. Heero finished his perusal in seconds, and invited the man in. "Please, come in Zechs. I will be ready shortly; I have to find my shoes. You understand, I don't go out very often..." Heero stood to the side of the door so as to not allow his back to be exposed to the ex-Tallgeese pilot.   
  
Zechs smiled minutely after seeing the obvious distrust in his former enemy's face. "I understand. Is the couch over here okay?"  
  
Heero nodded and strode quickly over into what should have been the guest bedroom of the apartment, and re-emerged shortly there after, shoes in place. Heero nodded to Zechs, expecting him to go out the door first. Zechs smiled brilliantly. "Heero, I'm here for a date, not to arrest you. You trust Relena, and she trusts me, so give the paranoia a rest."  
  
Heero slumped visibly. "Ano.... I'm sorry, Zechs; it's just.... Old habits die hard, and I have a hard time trusting people. I do this to everyone...."  
  
Zechs interrupted. "Unless their names begin with Duo and end in Maxwell. Believe me. I understand, and while the situation is slightly different, I felt the same way after Treize and I drifted apart. I found it hard to trust anyone. Just give me chance, okay? I can be perfectly sane when I need to be."  
  
Heero glared at he smirking man in front of him. "You realize that you aren't helping your case." Heero turned from him and opened the hall closet, pulling out his black trench coat slipping it on. Then, he put his keys in the inside pocket, as well as his wallet. "I'm ready. Let's go; I'm driving. You choose the place."  
  
Zechs rolled his eyes and followed Heero out of the building and into the parking lot. Heero walked up to a sleek black sports car and opened both doors by remote, allowing Zechs to step into the passenger seat on his own. Heero settled himself into the driver's seat, started the engine, and then turned to Zechs. "Where to?"  
  
Zechs narrowed his eyes, but gave directions anyway; the car ride for the most part was silent. Both sat with their own thoughts running circles around their heads. Zechs studied the intense Prussian blue-eyed young man during the drive to the restaurant. //He is strong, and so intensely masculine; it makes me weak in the knees. His musculature is defined underneath the royal blue shirt with black dress pants that barely contain strong calves. Heero Yuy is a man I could definitely go for, but will Heero ever trust me enough to ever let it get that far?//  
  
Heero concentrated on driving and not drooling over the sexy man sitting next to him. //Yes, Zechs is beautiful, but I just don't think that we will ever get really far in a relationship. We are too much alike, and too quiet. And that will drive me insane... What I need, what I want, is Duo.... Stop that! You idiot! Duo is a happily married man; he's no longer yours! All you have are your memories and that's it!//  
  
When they finally got to the restaurant, Heero parked the car and silently followed Zechs into the restaurant. Letting him take care of all of the arrangements for seating, trusting that he would keep in mind their histories. When they were finally seated, Heero was pleasantly surprised to find them sitting in a corner booth with their backs to a wall. There would be no surprises or ambushes tonight! "Thank you, Zechs."  
  
Zechs smiled engagingly at his date. "I figured you would want to sit where I would want to sit, so I thought that this would be the way to go. I'm happy that you approve. Let me say first, Heero, that I've admired you for a long time, but that does not mean I want to be pushed around or used. I would like to make this work, but from what Relena tells me, you don't do this often. And the only people you ever leave your apartment for are the other pilots and Relena. Is this true?"  
  
Heero studied the intent blue eyes across him and answered carefully. "I do not leave the house often, no. As far as dating is concerned, I am the one who is often used due to my stature and reputation. People think that being short means you are an automatic pushover, or they are using me because I was a Gundam pilot. I have trust issues, and I am still in love with Duo. Is that what you wanted to know?" he finished venomously.  
  
"I'm sorry, Heero I never assumed that you would be a pushover. I just... I don't like being measured to another, "Zechs said apologetically.  
  
"I will not measure you against Duo. He was-is the love of my life, and to do so would be unfair. I just wanted you to know that to me you will always come second. If you can't deal with that now, this is doomed to failure." After Heero finished speaking, there was an awkward silence between them, that both were afraid to break.  
  
"Heero..." Zechs said softly. "I never knew anyone could love someone so much. How long has it been?"  
  
Heero studied his dinner setting purposefully. "It has been thirteen years. Thirteen years, Zechs. And the hurt, the love, it never fades."  
  
Zechs reached across the table and clasped onto Heero's hand. "I still love Treize, Heero. Will that help? Will that help you feel better about this? I am just so lonely sometimes. I know how you feel; everyday hoping that it could be your last, just so the pain would stop. But because of a promise, or a plea from someone you care about, you are still here. Doing meaningless things, and maybe capturing some of that brightness again in your sleep, or even with someone you care about. Everyday, Heero… everyday it is a battle. And it would mean a lot to me if we could fight that battle together."  
  
"I'm sorry, Zechs... I know Relena said I'm ready, but I'm really not. This is too much too fast. You have no idea how much I want to ravish you, but that comes from being celibate for 13 years. With only your hand and memories for company. Do you have any idea what it's like to know that the one person that is your whole world is married to another? I-- I can't do this right now, Zechs-- this is just too much. I shouldn't even be talking with you. We could never see eye to eye before. Why now?"  
  
Zechs sighed. Heero was right. He did have trust issues-no make that a subscription... "Heero... how about this. We go slowly, and at anytime you can put a stop to the forward movement. How does that sound to you?"  
  
Heero sighed. Zechs was just as stubborn as his little sister. Maybe even more so, but maybe one day, this could work and he wouldn't feel so empty all of the time.... Maybe someday.... "Hn."  
  
Zechs smiled engagingly at Heero. "I'll take that as a yes. So, Heero, tell me what have you done since the wars that's not classified?"  
  
Heero's eyes clouded over at the thought of that mission, but then let the memories go, and started telling Zechs about his job, his friends, and most importantly, Duo.  
  
~~~~~  
  
Heero pulled off his date clothes and stepped into a pair of sweatpants and a tank top. Tonight would be another sleepless night. He had a lot to think about. About where he was going, and if he was even going to pursue this relationship with Zechs. Would it be worth it? Would it make the pain stop? Would it make any sense at all? How could he let Duo go after all of these years of missing and wanting, him? It wouldn't make any sense.... Heero sighed and made himself a cup of strong black tea like he always did on these nights, and then signed on to his laptop.  
  
PinkPrincess So how was your date?  
  
BrokenWing Relena! What are you doing on? Don't you have a conference or something in the morning?  
  
PinkPrincess Nope. I cleared my schedule so we could talk tonight and then go out tomorrow.  
  
BrokenWing You enjoy torturing me, don't you?  
  
PinkPrincess Hai! So how was your date?  
  
BrokenWing The best one I've ever had. Zechs is very handsome, and engaging.  
  
PinkPrincess So was there any hanky panky?  
  
BrokenWing I don't kiss and tell.  
  
PinkPrincess No Heero you don't kiss at all.  
  
BrokenWing There was no kissing, and since you are going to bug me until I tell you. We are going to meet for lunch some time during the week.  
  
PinkPrincess Oh that's great Heero! So do you think that this might have a chance? And if so are you going to tell Duo?  
  
BrokenWing I don't know Relena. It hurts him enough just to see me. What would telling him that I'm seeing Zechs Marquise do?  
  
PinkPrincess Heero you worry too much. Duo will understand, he will, he's your best friend.  
  
BrokenWing My best friend who loves me no matter what.... Relena for now Zechs and I-- we are going to try for friends first. I think that would be the way to go. Actually dating someone and loving them.... I don't think I'm up to it, and I don't think Zechs is either. He still has feelings for his former lover. Relena you have got to stop meddling, do you realize that this could hurt us both?  
  
PinkPrincess I do Heero, but you have to try. Even if it's only to fall down again.  
  
BrokenWing Relena, I've had enough falling over to last a lifetime. I've had more experiences than most men my age twenty times over. I just want to sit here alone in this apartment with my memories and maybe a dog.  
  
PinkPrincess Heero! You know I can't let you do that, you are my friend and I don't want to see you die alone.  
  
BrokenWing Well it's what I want.   
  
PinkPrincess And do you think that Duo wants that for you?  
  
BrokenWing No...  
  
PinkPrincess Then get off of your ass and do something about it.  
  
BrokenWing I'll try. So what are you going to force me into doing tomorrow?  
  
PinkPrincess *beams* Oh nothing much...  
  
*****  
  
January 20, AC 204  
  
"Duo! I'm home!" Wufei called from the darkened living room, searching for his friend. Wufei walked into the kitchen looking for Duo, and not finding him, he continued onto his bedroom. "Duo?" Wufei's eyes softened slightly. Duo was sitting at his desk with the laptop obviously running an automatic search for his errant lover. "Oh, Duo... I'm so sorry." Wufei picked up the exhausted man and laid him out on his bed, throwing an afghan over him. Then, he turned and closed the door. They could talk about this tomorrow. For now, his friend needed sleep.  
  
*****  
  
December 7, AC 210  
  
Duo walked steadily to the small cafe that Relena had invited him to for lunch. He figured that she was trying to play him for a fool, but he would have to wait and see what she had planned. One never knew when it came to scheming blondes. As he approached the café he noticed Relena sitting with Heero and.... Zechs Marquise. //What the hell is HE doing here? And why is Heero here too? Oh, I am so going to kill, or at least maim, her.// Violet eyes blazing, Duo walked up to the scheming blonde. "Relena? You wanted to see me?"  
  
Heero stared at the scene playing out before him. Duo looked ready to murder Relena and Zechs looked very amused at the whole situation. //What is going on? Oh, god, Duo! He looks so amazing! What am I thinking? I can't do this! We can't do this! He is taken. Yuy, taken....//  
  
Relena smiled brightly at Duo. "Oh yes, Duo! Please sit down and join us for lunch. Zechs was just telling me about his and Heero's date last night." Duo narrowed his eyes at the blonde woman. //What? Zechs and Heero.... that makes no sense. I thought that blond bastard was off playing international playboy....//  
  
Heero glared at her furiously. "Relena...."  
  
Relena looked at Heero innocently. "What Heero?"  
  
Duo interrupted them. "Relena, as much as I'd like to stay for another of your little schemes, I have things to do that involve my HUSBAND. Heero, I need to talk to you later alone. I'll meet you at the apartment after you are done. Later." With that, Duo stalked off.  
  
Heero sat there in shock for a moment, and then glared murderously at Relena. "How could you do that to me? You know very well we are just friends. And now, I'm pretty sure he's pissed at me! From now on, Relena, don't interfere with my love life! Ever! It took me a long time to get him comfortable enough to be friends with me. And if you have jeopardized that in anyway, I am locking myself in that apartment you hate so much, and never coming out." At that, Heero threw some credits on the table and hurried off to his apartment, hoping Duo would be there.  
  
Zechs turned to Relena and smirked. "Well, that certainly didn't go how you planned it."  
  
Relena scowled at Zechs. "I wanted Duo to give Heero a nudge in the right direction. I didn't expect him to get mad. I thought he would be happy that Heero was finally taking someone seriously."  
  
Zechs sighed at her naivety. "Relena, Duo still loves Heero, and I'm pretty sure he hates me. Why would he push us together?"  
  
"I don't know. I just thought.... He told Heero to move on, because he's moved on. I never thought they were both still stuck in the past."  
  
"Then why do you think Wufei is still so stiff around Heero? He is afraid; afraid that one day, something will happen that will push Duo back into Heero's arms. Wufei may be a Gundam pilot, but when it comes to love, he is just as unsure about it as those two are. You see the way they dance around each other? They are still lovers in mind, even if they are not in body," Zechs finished thoughtfully.  
  
Relena looked at her brother in surprise. "Since when did you know so much about them?"  
  
"I've always been fascinated with Heero."  
  
~~~~~  
  
Heero opened the door to the apartment and turned the light on to find Duo sitting on their old couch. "Hey, Heero."  
  
"Duo. You wanted to talk?"  
  
Duo motioned for Heero to sit down. Heero hesitated, but did it. Duo studied Heero. The man looked very upset, afraid, almost. And all he could think was, //Why is he so off balance? Is he afraid that I will hate him? I could never Heero, don't you know that?// "Heero, I'm not mad at you." Heero breathed a sigh of relief, and sunk back into the soft well-worn couch. Duo smiled softly, //that's better// "I'm mad at Relena. Is what she said true?"  
  
Heero frowned and decided the truth would be best in this situation. "We did go out on a date last night, but we decided to be friends first. See how that went...."  
  
Duo sighed and grasped Heero's calloused hand in his. "Just be careful, Heero. I don't trust him, and I don't want to see you get hurt. Zechs doesn't have the best reputation. Keep in mind these are only rumours, Heero-- I-- just be careful, okay?"  
  
Heero squeezed Duo's hand, and pulled him into a hug. "Okay, Duo. I know you're just watching out for me. I'll be careful, but don't be surprised if we just stay friends.... I--I I'm not ready for a relationship quite yet, and he has to understand how important to me you are. I won't lose your friendship over a lover. I promise."  
  
Duo pulled out of the hug and smiled at his best friend. "Thanks, Heero. You want to go to a movie or something tonight? I have to call 'Fei, but...."  
  
Heero smiled warmly. "Okay, Duo. I take it doing something with your husband was calling him while he was away on a mission."  
  
Duo blushed. "Well, yeah! But I didn't lie!"   
  
Heero smiled at his best friend and watched as Duo called his husband from their old phone. Things would never be the same again, but at least he had a best friend.  
  
*****  
  
January 21, AC 204  
  
Wufei stood in the doorway of Duo's room and watched him sleep for a while. //He is so beautiful, even when he's run himself ragged. What am I going to do, Duo? What do you need? What do you want? I would give you the stars if you asked me to... I wish I knew what went on inside of that head of yours.... Why are you searching for him so devotedly now? Is it because you want his permission to be with me? What is it, Duo?//  
  
Duo felt a presence in his room and was instantly awake. He lay there for a moment, pretending to sleep while trying to figure out who it was. //Heero? No... he would have come to me. Wufei. Oh.... What is he doing? He must be upset about last night. He's just going to have to understand that this is something that I have to do. Otherwise, I will drive myself insane. Well, may as well get up and face the music.// Duo sat up slowly and looked straight at Wufei. "What is it, Wufei?"  
  
Wufei jumped out of his musings and looked at the mussy man before him. "Duo, good morning. Was there something you wanted for breakfast before I go to work?"  
  
Duo frowned at his friend. "No, I don't need anything right now, 'Fei. I have work to do." Duo rose from the bed and padded over to his laptop on the desk.  
  
Wufei frowned deeply. "Duo, you can't keep doing this to yourself. I don't know what I would do if...." Wufei let the statement, hang and Duo looked at him angrily.  
  
"I NEED to do this, 'Fei! It's important to me!" Duo yelled.  
  
Wufei looked at Duo in shock. "Zi ai...."  
  
Duo looked down at his feet, sorry that he had yelled. "I'm sorry, 'Fei. Just give me a month to do this. If I can't find him, I will only run a search once a month. Okay?? Will you let me do this, 'Fei? It's really important to me."  
  
Wufei looked at the braided man sadly. "I'm sorry, Duo. I didn't mean to.... I didn't mean to interfere with your life. I just thought that you were going to give this a chance."  
  
Duo rose from his seat at the desk, and pulled the Chinese man into a supportive hug. "I'm sorry, 'Fei. I am going to give this a chance, but I need to get this out of my system now, before it becomes a problem for us, okay?"  
  
Wufei hugged Duo tightly. "Okay. I'm going to go to work. I'll be home by five, barring an emergency. Is there anything you want special for dinner?"  
  
"No, 'Fei, just you. Feel better?" Duo asked as he pulled back from the embrace.  
  
Wufei swallowed and looked at the beautiful man before him. "Thank you, Duo." Then, he turned from the room and shut the door behind him, leaving behind a very stunned Duo.  
  
*****  
  
December 11, AC 210  
  
Heero looked out of the peephole of his apartment to see Zechs standing in the doorway, waiting patiently. Heero frowned and opened the door. "What do you want Zechs?"  
  
Zechs smiled at the younger man. "Well, hello to you too, Heero. I was wondering when we were going to go out for lunch....."  
  
Heero raised an eyebrow and opened the door wider to let Zechs in. He turned from the door and walked back into the living room, where he had set up his makeshift office. "I was going to order take out for lunch. You can join me if you'd like."  
  
Zechs stood in front of the seated man and frowned. This was not what he had in mind. "Heero, I wanted to take you out to lunch. Not have lunch in your apartment with you," he finished exasperatedly.  
  
Heero frowned and studied Zechs. "Well that's how it's going to be. I have a lot of work to do, and cannot take time out of my day to go out. I am willing to spend some time with you, here and now. That will have to suffice."  
  
Zechs sighed and sat down next to Heero, pulling his fingers away from the laptop. "Heero, I will give you this concession, but you must give me one. I want you to not work when I'm spending time with you. I will not be ignored."  
  
Heero sighed and shut down the laptop, and put his work aside. "Fine. I ordered pizza; it should be here in about twenty minutes."  
  
Zechs smiled. "YOU ordered pizza?"  
  
Heero raised an eyebrow at Zechs. "You thought I would live on all health food? After being in love with Duo for so long?"  
  
Zechs blushed. "I guess I just never pegged you for the junk food type."  
  
Heero shrugged. "I like it, once in a while."  
  
They sat for a moment in an awkward silence, waiting for the other to speak when Zechs decided this was getting him nowhere. "Heero-- I wanted you to know that- I've always liked you, even on the first day we met in person not on the battlefield. God, this isn't coming out right." Zechs buried his head in his hands to hide his embarrassment. Heero reached over and removed Zechs' hands from his face.  
  
Eyes shining, Heero asked Zechs to continue. "Zechs, please finish what you have to say."  
  
Zechs looked into the bright Prussian blue eyes before him, and melted. "I think I love you. Please—please, don't push me away, because of Relena. I want to know… I want to see what Duo saw. I want to see the real you that hides behind the mask, because I'm sure it's beautiful-- more beautiful than you already are."  
  
Heero let out a choked sigh. "Zechs, I can't-- I can't love you like this. I love Duo, and only him. I don't want to lead you on. It would kill me."  
  
Zechs looked sadly at the beautifully masculine man sitting next to him. He reached out to him and ran his calloused fingers along Heero's jawline. "Heero, you wouldn't have to do anything. Just let me love you." Zechs leaned over and kissed Heero chastely on the lips.  
  
Heero sat there, stunned, and unable to move from his position on the couch. He reached up shakily to touch his just-kissed lips. "I-I, Zechs, I can't do this. I love Duo. I can't betray him."  
  
Zechs eyes narrowed in anger. "And what he does with his husband? Isn't that betraying you?"  
  
"Fuck you, Zechs! You don't understand! It's complicated. I screwed up! I left him! I told him to move on.... I love him still.... Please just let me love him still...." Heero sagged against the back of the couch, emotionally exhausted, while Zechs studied the broken man next to him.  
  
"I'm sorry, Heero. Please just give me a chance… Give me a chance to love you." Zechs leaned over the prostrate man and lay little butterfly kisses along his collarbone, up his neck, and along his jaw line. "Heero, please, let me. I will make it so good for you. I can love you. I can make the loneliness go away." Zechs straddled the still non-responsive Heero, and continued to pet and kiss him. Zechs rubbed up against the firm body and played with his tousled hair.   
  
It had been too long for Heero. He felt his body start to react to the intense ministrations. He moaned into the kisses and responded to Zechs by rubbing his awakening erection into the clothed erection above him. Suddenly, Heero grabbed Zechs and pulled him into a heated kiss, almost violent in it's intensity. "Just this once, Zechs." Heero picked up the platinum-haired man straddling him like he was a child, and wrapped his long legs around his waist, carrying him into his bedroom, all the while never breaking the heated embrace.  
  
Heero threw Zechs on the bed and methodically removed his clothing, while staring heatedly at the man panting and flushed on his bed. Heero stalked over to the bed and lay himself over the clothed man. "You want me, Zechs?"  
  
The blue-eyed man moaned at the sound of Heero's nasal baritone traveling up and down his spine, and straight to his cock. "Yes," he choked out. Heero smirked and began kissing Zechs, intensely nipping and biting at the bruised lips. Zechs moaned at the sea of sensation that Heero was producing in him. He wanted Heero, and he wanted him now. "Please--oh god!" Heero rubbed at the clothed erection with his firm hand. Slowly, he reached up to the button of Zechs snug jeans and unbuttoned them. Then, he reached into them to cup the swollen erection, so it would not get caught in the zipper. "No underwear, Zechs?" Smirking evilly, Heero stroked it, while unzipping the jeans with his teeth as Zechs looked on and moaned incoherently. Heero swiftly pulled the jeans off of his soon-to-be lover and gazed heatedly at the wanton sight before him.  
  
Zechs was flushed and panting, his shirt rumpled and coming unbuttoned, his erection standing at attention, pulsing and crying to be touched. Heero stroked his cock at the sight, trying to take the edge off. "You want me to take you, Zechs, like this? You want me to pound you into the mattress? You want my hungry cock to fill you?"  
  
Zechs ripped off the shirt and spread his long creamy legs wide open, exposing the pink pucker. "Take me now! Fuck me! Pound me!" he panted, never wanting anything so badly in his whole life. This beautiful strong masculine man to fuck him, pound him, to take him fully and make him his. "Please, Heero," he whimpered.  
  
Heero reached for the lotion on his bedside table and lubed his pulsing erection, while staring at the blond-haired man. "Do you know how fuckable you look? Spread open, waiting, begging to be taken?" Zechs moaned and arched into Heero as he lay himself over the aroused man. Heero grasped his swollen cock, and placed it at Zechs quivering entrance. In one swift thrust, Heero was buried deep within the blond's tight passage.  
  
"Oh god!" Zechs screamed.  
  
Heero stopped, giving Zechs time to adjust to his thick cock. "You like that, my little love? You want more? You want to feel my cum filling your hole? Do you want it, Zechs?" Zechs whimpered at the controlling tone; he couldn't ever remember being filled like this, so forcefully. Treize had always been so gentle. And all other relationships afterwards, he would top. Zechs squeezed his inner walls around Heero and looked into the burning Prussian blue eyes.  
  
"Move, Heero."  
  
Heero smirked and shallowly thrust into the tight passage. "God, you are so tight." Heero reached around Zechs and lifted him up off of the bed and into his arms, wrapping the long creamy legs around his waist. "You want my cock, little one? You want it?" He whispered into Zechs' ear.  
  
Zechs shivered in Heero's arms. "Oh, God, yes."  
  
"Then, take it, ride me. Take my cock and bounce that tight little hole up and down. Make me splash my cum up your tight little asshole."  
  
Zechs moaned and started riding Heero hard and fast, filling him fully and completely. //Heero is so perfect - thick and long, but not too much of either. It feels so good. God, does Duo know what he's missing?// Unexpectedly, Heero flipped Zechs around, face down onto the bed, never missing a thrust into the tight hole.  
  
"Now, I'm going to pound you into the bed, slut. How does that sound?" Heero pounded Zechs hard and fast into the bed, never hitting his prostate, just taking the pleasure of filling someone so completely and wholly.   
  
Meanwhile, Zechs was in ecstasy. His swollen member was rubbing against the quilt, as that thick cock filled his ass. "Oh fuck, Heero. Oh yeah, pound me; take me. I'm your all yours! Oh god! I'm your slut! All yours!"  
  
Heero moaned at the surrender, and just let go. His cock exploded directly into Zechs prostate. Stream after stream of thick cum hitting the spot that became the center of Zechs' world. With that, Zechs came, hard and fast, collapsing onto the bed with Heero on top of him. Still inside of him. "Oh god!"   
  
After a few moments, Heero came down from the high quickly and pulled out of Zechs, in horror of what he had just done. He looked dazedly at the mess and the naked man in his bed, and fled to the bathroom, locking the door behind him.   
  
Zechs coming down much slower from his daze. He noticed five minutes later that Heero was missing. "Heero?"   
  
~knock! knock! knock!~  
  
Zechs, startled by the noise at the door threw on the nearest shirt and pair of pants he could find, and ran to answer the door. Zechs straightened his hair, put on his best smile, and opened the door. Only to see a smiling Duo standing in the doorway pizza in hand. "Did somebody order a--" Duo stopped talking and narrowed his violet eyes in anger at Zechs. "What are YOU doing here?"  
  
TBC...... 


	5. Chapter Five ll Hand Me Down

Title: What Might Have Been - Hand Me Down, 5/5 or 5/? You decide!!  
  
Author: Jadeduo  
  
Pairings: Past 1x2, Present 5x2, 6+1, 1x6, 2x1.... mention of 3x4, and eventual 1x2x5 (note these pairings are subject to change with every chapter, and they will!)  
  
Warnings: ANGST! SAP! Suicidal Duo, swearing, songfic, lemon, and that's it......  
  
Archives: Soon to be at my site, Death and the Soldier, at ff.net under Jadeduo, and Mako-chan's Fanfic archive - , anywhere else just ask! I will be happy to oblige!  
  
Disclaimer: Blah blah blah, poor. Blah blah, blah, no own anything Gundam Wing. Blah, blah, blah, *pouts*.  
  
Notes:  
  
Special Notes:  
  
~noises~  
  
//thoughts//  
  
***** - time and scene change  
  
~~~~~ - scene change  
  
Somebody ought to take you in  
  
Try to make you love again  
  
Try to make you like the way they feel  
  
When they're under your skin  
  
Never once did you think they'd lie when they're holding you  
  
You wonder why they haven't called  
  
When they said they'd call you  
  
You start to wonder if you're ever gonna make it by  
  
You'll start to think you were born blind  
  
From what I've seen  
  
You're just a one more hand me down  
  
Cause no one's tried to give you what you need  
  
So lay all your troubles down  
  
I am with you now ~Hand Me Down, Matchbox Twenty  
  
~Hand Me Down~  
  
December 11, AC 210  
  
Zechs startled by the noise at the door threw on the nearest shirt and pair of pants he could find, and ran to answer the door. Zechs straightened his hair and put on his best smile, and opened the door. Only to see a smiling Duo standing in the doorway pizza in hand. "Did somebody order a--" Duo stopped talking and narrowed his violet eyes in anger at Zechs. "What are YOU doing here?"  
  
Zechs stood dumbfounded in the doorway. //This is not happening.// "Duo, I--"  
  
Duo glared at the flustered man before him. "I knew you would do something like this. I was right! I knew I couldn't trust you! How dare you! He better be okay, or I'll, I'll--" Duo pushed the hastily dressed Zechs out of the way and went in search of Heero. "Heero?" Duo walked into the bedroom, seeing the state of Heero's bed and the clothes all over the floor. He deduced that something had happened between them, but what? Then, he heard whimpering coming from the bathroom. Duo knocked on the door softly. "Heero?! It's me, Duo. Is everything all right?"  
  
"Go away."  
  
"Heero, please let me in. I want to know what happened. Why are you crying?"  
  
"Go away."  
  
Duo sighed and pulled the set of lock picks he always kept in his braid, and picked the lock. Duo opened the door cautiously and found Heero naked and crying on the bathroom floor...  
  
*****  
  
February 21, AC 204  
  
"Duo! I'm home!" Wufei called from the entryway of their apartment. //Why is it dark in here? Where is Duo?// "Duo?" Wufei called as he searched the apartment for his missing friend. //That's odd. His bike is still here. Where could he have gone?// Wufei searched the apartment methodically, but found nothing but a broken laptop in Duo's room. Now more fearful than ever, Wufei searched more diligently, and then he heard a soft whimpering coming from Duo's bathroom. Wufei knocked on the door softly. "Duo?"  
  
"Go away."  
  
"Please, Zi ai, let me in," Wufei said softly, trying to reason with the hysterical man.  
  
"Go away. I need to be alone," Duo cried.  
  
"Duo Maxwell let me in there, or I will kick this door down!" Wufei said sternly  
  
"No," Duo murmured softly.  
  
Wufei kicked the door in, and found Duo curled in on himself, crying hysterically. Wufei rushed over to Duo and pulled the crying man into his arms. "I'm sorry. Zi ai, I'm so sorry."  
  
*****  
  
December 11, AC 210  
  
Duo rushed into the bathroom as quickly as his feet would carry him and cradled Heero to his chest. "What's wrong Heero? Did Zechs do something to you? Are you okay? Heero, I'm so sorry." Heero just cried harder as Duo tried to figure out what was happening. "Heero, can you hear me?" Heero nodded. "All right, I'm going to go get some clothes for you, okay? I'll be right back."  
  
"No! Don't leave me!" Heero clutched Duo's shirt, trying to keep him in place.  
  
Duo smiled at his friend. "It's okay, Heero. I'll be right back. I won't leave you; just let me go get something warm for you. It's kinda chilly in here."  
  
Heero nodded softly and let go of Duo's shirt. Duo set him down on the toilet seat and kissed him on the head. "I promise, right back." Duo turned from the distraught man and left the bathroom, shutting the door behind him, only to be confronted by furious ice blue eyes.  
  
"Why. Are. You. Here. Maxwell?" Zechs spat out.  
  
Violet eyes narrowed in anger. "I don't know who you think you are, Marquise, but this is my apartment too, and Heero is MY best friend. I don't know what happened between you two just now, and frankly, I don't care. All I know is that my best friend has locked himself in his own bathroom, crying his eyes out! I don't know what you did, Marquise, but I swear on all that I hold dear if you in anyway hurt him, there will be hell to pay."  
  
Zechs paled. "He's crying? But- he- I thought." Zechs slumped miserably against the hallway.  
  
"Well, you thought wrong. Leave, now, and let me handle this. I can't trust you to pick up the pieces, because this infatuation of yours has gone far enough already. Do you have any idea the damage you probably have already done? No? I didn't think so." Duo turned his back on Zechs and stalked into Heero's room. He yanked open the closet and grabbed a pair of sweatpants, a tank top, and a fresh quilt from the closet. Duo turned from the task to see Zechs pick up his ruined shirt and flee the room, still wearing Heero's discarded green tank top.  
  
*****  
  
February 21, AC 204  
  
Wufei held Duo tightly and whispered softly into the braided man's ear. "I'm sorry, Duo. I'm sorry, Zi ai. I know it's hard, but you will get over it. I love you, Duo. It will be all right. You are strong. You WILL get through this. Don't give up on me now when we've come so far. Please Duo."  
  
Duo continued to sob hysterically into Wufei's arms. Wufei sighed and decided this was probably not the best place to do this, so he picked up Duo gingerly. Then, he proceeded to walk across the hall to his bedroom. He placed Duo softly on the bed and proceeded to wrap him up in warm quilts so he wouldn't go in to shock. Then, he turned to leave and make some tea. Duo needed to keep warm. He couldn't have his friend, his love, in pain.  
  
"Fei, don't leave me alone, please." Violet eyes begged him.  
  
"No, Zi ai, never by choice, but I need to make you something warm to drink. You are going to make yourself sick. I will be right back. I promise."  
  
Violet studied ebony, intently looking for the truth in those words. "Okay, come back soon."  
  
Wufei nodded silently, while gently squeezing Duo's hand before he left the room. //I *knew* this would happen. Duo will never let that idiot Yuy out of his system. He will be the shadow over us for the rest of my days. If he comes back... It would destroy what we've worked so hard to accomplish. It... would destroy my love... and myself. What the hell am I going to do, Nataku? I love him, and I've promised him no matter what he could possibly need... I know this will end badly, but I can't help it... I need him.//  
  
"Fei?" Duo called faintly from the bedroom.  
  
Wufei finished up preparing the tea and called out to his friend. "Yes, Zi ai?" Unnerved by the silence, Wufei walked quickly back to the bedroom.  
  
*****  
  
December 11, AC 210  
  
After Zechs left, Duo stalked to the bathroom and yanked open the door. Only to be stopped in his tracks once again by the sight of Heero broken and weeping on the floor. Duo stepped softly across the threshold and stooped down onto the floor. "Heero, come on. Let's get you off the floor." Heero unyieldingly let Duo pick him up and set him on the toilet again. Duo placed the clean clothes and quilt on the sink and stepped over to the shower, adjusting the water temperature to get Heero cleaned up. When the water was set to the appropriate, temperature Duo stripped down to his black boxers and helped an unresisting Heero into the shower.  
  
"Heero, are you going to be all right?" Heero just stared off into space, completely non-responsive to Duo's efforts. He looked sadly at the beautiful, but broken man shivering in front of him. "Heero, it'll be okay. I promise. Whatever it is, it can't be as bad as it seems." With that, he proceeded to wash Heero as clinically as possible.  
  
"Duo? I'm so sorry I--I I-- didn't mean to. I've betrayed you. I promised there would never be another.... No... I'm so sorry. Please, forgive me. I love you, Duo. I love you." Duo, startled by the outburst from the normally quiet man, pulled Heero's soapy body in a for a calming embrace. Duo rubbed Heero's tense quivering muscles, trying to calm him.  
  
"It's okay, Heero. You haven't betrayed me. It will be all right, I promise. I love you too. Here, let's rinse you off, get you warmed up, and dressed, and then, we can talk about what happened, okay?" Heero nodded as tears blended with the water cascading all around them. Duo finished up as quickly as possible and stepped out of the shower, pulling Heero with him. As gently as he could, he dried them both off, and proceeded to dress Heero in the sweats and wrap him in the quilt. Then, he walked Heero to the master bedroom. Duo settled Heero on the king sized bed and then started to rummage through the drawers for some dry clothes. After tossing the damp boxers into the hamper across the room, he threw on a pair of sweats and joined Heero on the soft bed.  
  
"Now what happened? I want all of the details."  
  
Heero shuddered out of his self-induced stupor and started at the half naked Duo sitting across from him. "Duo? What?"  
  
Duo smiled softly. "It's okay, Heero. I came by to drop off your pizza and hopefully drag you out for a little while... Then, Zechs answered the door, and I found you on the bathroom floor, almost going into shock. What happened? I promise I won't judge. I only want to help you."  
  
Heero looked into the sincere violet eyes and told Duo everything between sobs, and when he finished, he collapsed into strong arms and cried until the tears would no longer come.  
  
Duo petted Heero as he talked, running calloused hands over trembling skin, sometimes running his fingers through Heero's soft, damp hair. Heero's violent reaction to Zechs worried him, but he had an idea as to why it had happened, and Heero needed to talk about it. Otherwise, he would probably explode.  
  
*****  
  
February 21, AC 204  
  
Duo, huddled in on himself in the bed, was shaking under the layers of quilts wrapped around him. "Fei? I'm cold."  
  
Wufei set the tea down on the nightstand, climbed into the large bed, and pulled the cocooned Duo into his arms. "Shh... It's okay, Zi ai. You'll be all right. Now, tell me what happened?"  
  
Duo started sobbing at the heartfelt question, while Wufei just pulled the braided man tighter into his embrace. Between broken sobs and cries of despair and longing, Duo told Wufei of his last search for Heero. The last chance he was giving his former lover for reconciliation, and how it had failed. Wufei listened to the hopes and dreams that Duo had, and of the future that he was afraid of, a future without the one he loved most. Wufei cried inside, while Duo poured out his heart and soul to the other man. When the tears finally stopped, and the tea was cold, Duo slept fitfully in Wufei's arms.  
  
*****  
  
December 11, AC 210  
  
Duo softly pried himself from the death grip Heero held him in, and dried his tears with the quilt wrapped around him. "Heero, you have to listen to me. Zechs wanted you to make love to him. He was worried about you when he left. It'll be okay. I know you are afraid of how violently you reacted. And I know that as much as I hate the man, I believe that he truly loves you. Otherwise, he wouldn't have let it go as far as it did."  
  
Heero looked at Duo through his red-rimmed eyes. "I-- Don't know... Duo... I mean no one deserves to be practically raped by the one they love. I am such a monster... I never deserved you. I should have died with the war."  
  
Duo shocked at this revelation pulled Heero into a tight embrace. "No! Never! I don't know what I would do without you. I—Heero, don't ever say that. Ever! You lived because you were strong. You couldn't let that defeat you. Don't let this defeat you."  
  
"No! I didn't deserve to live! I only hurt you, drove you to another! And then, I took advantage of someone who has feelings for me that I can never return! Because, I am so in love with you that I am trapped here in the past, and you are in the future and you are in love. I am all wrong. I don't belong here! I should have never come back! I should have just ended myself with the mission!" Heero sobbed brokenly between cries, and shuddered in the pain and sorrow of the past ten years of loneliness.  
  
Duo held Heero tighter as the revelations just kept coming, and he laid them down on the bed as Heero kept saying he should have died. He had hurt someone just for his pleasure. He was no better than those they fought in the past. Duo tried his best to reassure the broken man. "Heero, it will be all right. You'll see." Heero continued to deny, and Duo continued to reassure, until an exhausted Heero fell into a fitful sleep as a violet- eyed guardian angel watched.  
  
*****  
  
February 21, AC 204  
  
Wufei looked down thoughtfully at his lover as he stroked the mussed chestnut hair and Duo softly snored in his arms. //Things are so complicated between us. Heero left because he thought it was the best thing he could do for Duo at the time. And, he was most likely right about that, but Duo would never see that. He would always be angry with his former lover. The pain and suffering between the two of them is palpable at times. What Heero must be going through alone must be painful beyond measure. But, what matters to me is my Zi ai. The one I love above all others, who loves someone else. What am I going to do about this? If Heero ever comes back from that mission, what will happen? Will Duo leave me for the one he loves above all others? Or will he die slowly inside, staying with me only out of a misguided sense of duty? And, can I really hate Heero? Of course I can't! Would I have done the same exact thing had it been me in the same exact position? And what about Duo? If he moves on and stays with me, will he be able to live with himself? Will he be able to watch Heero suffer alone, while he is happy? What am I going to do?// Wufei pulled Duo tightly against him, causing Duo to shift in his sleep and snuggle into strong tanned arms. Wufei sighed softly and looked down at the peaceful vision in his arms and bed. //Whatever comes, Duo, I will be here. Whatever you need, whatever you need...//  
  
*****  
  
December 11, AC 210  
  
Duo started from the most comfortable sleep he could remember having in a long time. Instincts instantly alert, he scanned the room for the disturbance. Only to find it in, Heero who lay next to him, thrashing and whimpering in his sleep. Duo pulled the sleeping man into his arms and started trying to wake him. "Heero, wake up, love. It's okay. It's just a nightmare. It's not real. You are here with me now. I'll take care of you."  
  
Heero slowly became aware of being held in a loose embrace, as he slowly fell out of the nightmare. "Hn... Duo? Ano... What are you doing here?"  
  
Duo smiled lightly and kissed him on the cheek. "I just wanted to make sure you were still okay. You were really out of it last night."  
  
"Oh god." Heero pulled himself from the loose embrace, and then curled into a fetal position on the far side of the bed.  
  
Duo, unsure about what to say, scrambled to pull Heero out of the ball he had curled himself into. "Heero? It's okay," he began softly. Getting no reaction whatsoever, he tried harder. "Heero, you have got to listen to me. Whatever happened... It doesn't matter. Zechs loves you, and he wanted you to make love to him. You didn't force anything on him. Remember, he was a Gundam pilot as well. He could have stopped you at any time. And don't give me the Perfect Soldier shit, because I won't buy it. If he truly felt threatened, he would have found a way out. I promise you."  
  
Heero shuddered lightly, turned over from his curled position, and faced his former lover lying across from him. Heero reached up and stroked the soft, pale cheek and whispered, "Duo, thank you. You didn't have to do any of this. You didn't have to stay. You didn't have to care. You didn't have to love me. I want you to know that I love you. I know, I know, we can't have what we had anymore, but... I had to tell you one more time. I love you, Duo Maxwell, with all of my being." Heero reached up and pulled the long bangs out of the violet eyes and kissed him softly.  
  
*****  
  
February 21, AC 204  
  
"Heero! No! Don't go! I need you. Please!"  
  
Wufei started out of his comfortable sleep only to hear his crying and shuddering lover crying out to his lost love. The Chinese man sighed, and pulled Duo into a sweet embrace, trying his best to wake him slowly from the heartbreaking nightmare. "Duo, love, Zi ai, wake up. It'll be okay. I promise. Duo, wake up."  
  
Duo looked up groggily into the coal black eyes looking straight into his soul. "Wufei?"  
  
"Yes, Zi ai?"  
  
"I-- You won't leave me, will you?"  
  
"No, never," Wufei affirmed and held Duo tighter. Duo whimpered softly and let himself be held. Wufei looked down at the vulnerable and scared man he was comforting, and sighed in contentment, knowing he could stay like this with his Zi ai for the rest of his days.  
  
"Wufei?"  
  
"Yes, Zi ai?"  
  
"Thank you." With those softly spoken words, Duo leaned further into the embrace, and then tilted his head up and softly kissed Wufei on the lips.  
  
*****  
  
December 11, AC 210  
  
Shocked, Duo touched his just kissed lips and looked at Heero in horror. Duo pulled away abruptly and tried to leave the bed. Heero panicked and grabbed Duo's arm before he could get away and cried out – tears streaming down his face. "No! Duo, please! Don't leave me here all alone! I can't stand it! Just stay the night! I won't do anything you don't want me to do. I swear! Just stay here with me! I-I I can't be here alone tonight. Just hold me."  
  
Duo sighed and sat on the edge of the bed. "Heero, I can't stay here any longer. I'm sure Fei is wondering where I am right now... You'll be okay now. Zechs is gone, and you..."  
  
"No! I can't take this anymore! Duo, why is this so hard for us? Why can't we just be together? Why can't I love you just one more time?"  
  
Duo looked sadly into the broken cobalt blue eyes. "Heero, the time for us is over. We can't ever have that again. I love you, I do, but... I can't do that. I am tied to another. He would be heartbroken, betrayed, if I gave you what you are asking for. I can't do that I can't do that to him." Duo cupped Heero's tear-stained cheek in his hand, and brushed the red lips with his thumb. "I'm sorry, Heero, but if it's any consolation, I still love you."  
  
Heero grabbed the gently stroking hand and held it against his cheek. "Duo, if we both love each other so much, then why are we being so stupid? Why can't we just love each other again?"  
  
*****  
  
February 21, AC 204  
  
Wufei, dumbfounded, stared at the nervous man lying across from him. "Zi ai... You can't do this. You don't have to do this for me to take care of you. I am not expecting this as..." Wufei swallowed nervously, "I don't need this as payment... You are...I..."  
  
Duo smiled and snuggled into Wufei's arms. "It's not payment, Fei. I want to do this with you. I want to feel you. I want to feel something other than pain for once. I've given up on him, and now... Now, it is time for me to move on. I want to know, to see if I can find that same happiness again... with you. It's up to you though... Can you accept me with all of my faults? Can you accept the scars, and the pain that makes up who I am? Dragon, I don't want to hurt you, but one day, I might. Then I would lose a true friend. I do want to try, but..."  
  
Wufei reached across, and touched two fingers to Duo's petal soft lips. "Zi ai, no matter what you do to me, I will always be here for you. No matter what. Whatever you need, Zi ai, whatever you need, I will be."  
  
Tears fell softly from Duo's eyes at the heartfelt words coming from his best friend and lover lying across from him. "Fei, Dragon, thank you. I will always try to honour what you have given me, but what if He comes back?"  
  
*****  
  
December 11, AC 210  
  
Duo stared at Heero in shock. "Oh, Heero..." he said in defeat. "You can't ask that of me. I love you, but Wufei... I-I can't."  
  
Heero stroked the glistening chestnut hair and started kissing and nibbling along Duo's jawline. "Duo," he whispered softly. "Make love to me one last time. I want to feel what it's like to have you, all of you, one last time."  
  
"Oh Heero," Duo sighed and stroked a damp cheek. "Do you realize how much you tempt me? How desirable you look right now? Begging me to make love to you, crying, touching me like that... Heero, Heero, I love you. I love you so much." With those sweetly bitter words, Duo swooped in and soundly kissed the breath out of the depressed man across him. Pulling back suddenly, Duo searched the cobalt blue eyes across from him. "Heero... I can't. This is wrong. You know I love you..." He reached across the space between and stroked a tear-stained cheek lovingly. "But... I can't... I—"  
  
Heero leaned forward into the loving embrace, mewling softly. "Please, love me. I love you so much, Duo. Just one last time, for me, for us."  
  
Duo whimpered softly and pulled Heero into a bone-crushing embrace, while whispering softly into Heero's ear. "One last time... for us."  
  
Heero sighed and molded himself into the warm embrace, pulling Duo closer to him than they had been in years, savoring the warmth and feeling that he had been missing for so long. "I love you," he whispered. "Please make love to me, now. I need you."  
  
Duo cried softly and took the initiative, pushing Heero back onto the bed, straddling the warm and pliant body underneath him. "I love you too, Heero." Heero sighed in contentment and pulled Duo down for a long and tender kiss. Nipping softly at the fully kissed lips, they explored each other's mouths almost like it was the first and last time for both of them.  
  
Feeling the desperation and hope between the two of them, Heero thought that maybe just maybe this could work out... Of course, he knew in the morning things would never be the same, but he would hold this night close to his heart for all of his remaining days. "I love you, Duo. I love you so much. Please, take me."  
  
Duo groaned heavily. "Heero, I— don't know if I should..."  
  
Heero stroked the violet-eyed man's cheek, looking up into twin pools of emotion. "I want you to. Please, take me. I need you now." He proved this by pushing his now firm erection into the hip straddling him. "I need you, Duo. Love me. Own me. Hold me. Fuck me."  
  
Duo whimpered at the demand and thrust down into the answering hardness beneath him. "God, Heero, I could stay here above you forever," Duo said as he bit and suckled at Heero's neck and collarbone, while running his hands underneath the warm sweats stroking the healthy muscled chest beneath him. "Heero, is this okay?" Heero just nodded in response and started to tug the shirt off. Realizing what he was doing, Duo helped by kissing every inch of the newly exposed skin, leaving Heero shuddering in pleasure. When the shirt finally fell to the floor, Heero was an incoherent mass of sensations, filled to the brim with love and hope.  
  
Duo was a big bundle of nerves pleasuring the body he had known so well and mapping out all the new scars that had appeared on Heero's body since their last night together. He was fascinated by the web of scars tracing all along Heero's torso. He just wanted to kiss each scar so that it would fade away into oblivion.  
  
Heero, awash in sensation, ground up into the person above him, seeking any relief he could get from the mind-blowing pleasure and worship he was receiving at the hands of his lover. "I love you. I love you so much. Please, don't ever leave. Don't ever stop... Oh God!"  
  
Duo smirked at the reaction. //Apparently, Heero is susceptible to the attention paid to his collarbone. He didn't used to before...// After receiving so much patience and pleasure from his lover, Heero wanted to return the favour. Quickly taking control, Heero pulled Duo closer and made a slow exploration of his tonsils and tongue, stroking every inch of flesh he could find in the warm cavern of Duo's mouth.  
  
Not one to take such an invitation lightly, Duo quickly stripped them of all of their clothes and ran his hands up and down and around the warm body beneath him, while Heero returned the favour by exploring the body above him and running his hands through the now released curtain of chestnut falling all around them, creating a world of their own where only they existed. Duo kissed Heero softly. "I'll be right back, love." And, he quickly exited the room. He rejoined his lover, sinking down onto Heero's warm body and kissing him soundly. "Are you sure you are okay with this?"  
  
Heero looked straight into Duo's eyes and nodded affirmatively. "I want this... I want you... now." To prove his point, Heero thrust his aching cock up into Duo's hip. Duo moaned in pleasure and gestured for his lover to open his legs for him. Heero quickly complied, exposing his tight entrance for his lover and friend to see. Duo moaned in appreciation and carefully stretched his lover. It had been too long for them both.  
  
Duo started slowly with one finger, stretching, stroking, and lightly rubbing Heero's prostate, making him a mass of nerves. Then, he added a second finger, stretching and scissoring to make Heero ready for him. Heero cried out in pleasure, moaning in appreciation of the amount of patience and understanding his former lover was showing him. "Duo, please, now!"  
  
Duo frowned. "Heero... I don't think you are ready yet. When was the last time you've been taken?"  
  
Heero looked up into dazzling violet eyes and responded honestly, "You. You were the last."  
  
With that, Duo moaned loudly. "Oh, God." He drew back his lubricant slickened fingers, stroked his firm erection, and then slowly entered Heero as carefully as he could. Heero winced at the slight burn he felt as Duo entered. It had been so long since he'd been taken, since he'd been loved. He never wanted to lose it again. It felt like they were both coming home after a very long journey full of pain and suffering. Home was here in their bed, in each other's arms; the rest of the world could wait for now.  
  
The pace continued slow and desperate, hungrily and languidly, worshipful and full of love. "Heero, I love you. I'm so sorry."  
  
Heero only smiled contentedly. "I love you, Duo. Come with me, my love." Heero flexed his muscles around Duo's pulsing cock and came. Duo, following him closely after, fell in a sated heap on top of his lover.  
  
Duo lay there for a few minutes, absorbing the love and affection that had passed between them during their lovemaking. Duo hoped that this moment in time would never end - him sated and in the arms of his first true love.  
  
Heero lay underneath Duo, feeling for the first time in a long while protected, safe. He smiled and allowed the warmth to sink in, lulling him to sleep.  
  
Duo smiled at the soft snoring, slowly withdrew from his lover, and went to get a cloth to clean them up. After getting rid of the evidence of their passion, Duo pulled Heero into a warm embrace and feel asleep. And for the first time in over ten years, they both fell into a contented and restful sleep.  
  
*****  
  
February 21, AC 204  
  
Wufei stared into the nervous and sorrowful violet eyes across from him, and took a deep breath. "Zi ai, I love you and always will. But... I cannot make that choice for you. When the time comes, and Heero does return... You will have to make that choice, and you will have to stand by it. And no matter what you decide, I will always stand by you. Don't make promises you cannot keep."  
  
Duo wiggled closer and placed a soft and tender kiss to Wufei's lips. "Dragon, make love to me. Show me what it's like to be loved again."  
  
Wufei cried softly and swooped in for a tender, yet intense, exploration of Duo's mouth. Pulling back slowly, Wufei held Duo close and cradled the excitable braided man in his arms, rubbing small circles to relax and comfort. Duo moaned in appreciation. "Is this okay, Zi ai?"  
  
Duo nodded softly and started dropping tender kisses along Wufei's neck, while Wufei reciprocated lovingly, worshipping the supine body across from him. Moving as slowly and tenderly as possible, Wufei undressed his love as one would the most fragile package on Earth, tearing away each layer slowly but surely so as not scare the skittish man away. Wufei wanted this to be good for his lover, and he wanted to remember this moment in case it never happened again. Duo moaned softly into Fei's tender ministrations, "I l-lo..."  
  
"Shh-shh, Zi-ai. It's all right... You don't have to. Let me take care of you. I don't need anything in return. Just let me love you." Wufei pushed Duo gently onto his back and draped himself over his lover, dropping light kisses over every part of the warm body beneath him. "I love you, Zi ai." Callused hands wandered all over the responsive, but quiet, man moaning in pleasure beneath him. Hoping that he wasn't moving too quickly, Wufei stroked a quivering thigh softly while still holding the trembling man close to him. "Shh-shh, it's alright, love. Don't be frightened. Whatever you want, Zi ai."  
  
"I want this, Fei. I want you. Please..." Duo moaned softly into his Dragon's neck. "I need this now. I need to feel you."  
  
Wufei moaned and cried in relief. "One minute, Zi ai." Wufei rolled away from Duo and opened the bedside table to get the lubricant. Taking a deep breath to calm himself he stripped quickly and methodically. Then, he crawled back to his love and pulled their naked bodies together and whispered softly into Duo's ear. "Are you sure about this, love? We can stop anytime..."  
  
Duo smiled softly at the concern his new lover was showing him. "Please, Fei... Please make love to me."  
  
Wufei buried his head in the soft chestnut strands at Duo's neck. "Okay, give me a minute." After regaining control of his mind and body, Wufei lowered himself back on top of his lover, stroking and kissing each part of his body. He was determined to slowly build the passion between them with care and reverence. Wufei backed up, slowly looking for the permission he needed from Duo. Duo nodded and spread his legs in silent invitation. Wufei whimpered, coated his fingers in lubricant and circled Duo's entrance with lubricant, and then eased one finger inside, while watching his lover carefully for any negative reactions. Duo nodded softly and pushed back on the slick intruder, encouraging Wufei to give him more. Wufei, assured by this positive reaction, added another finger, scissoring and stretching his Zi ai slowly and deliberately.  
  
Finally, Duo couldn't take anymore and cried out softly. "Please, Fei, please take me. Show me..."  
  
Wufei took the initiative and removed his slick fingers from his lover, and then lubricated his pulsing erection. Placing the head of his cock at Duo's entrance, he smiled softly at the man underneath him. "Zi ai, are you sure?"  
  
Duo moaned. "Oh god, please, yes!" With those words, Wufei carefully entered his lover, going as slowly as humanly possible so as not to hurt his high-strung lover. Wufei moaned as the tight passage contracted around his intruding member. To both of them, this was reaffirmation of what they had promised each other. Duo to give Wufei the chance to love him, and Wufei to love Duo with all he could give.  
  
When Wufei was finally encased deep within the man under him, he paused to regain the tenuous hold he had on his control. When he had some semblance of control, Wufei started to move, completing and reaffirming the love he had for the man beneath him. They went slowly at first, just enjoying the feel of being complete, of being whole again, until they could hold back no longer, and began moving at a frenzied, and, at the same time, tender pace that only validated the bond between them.  
  
Feeling himself about to fall over the abyss, Wufei tenderly wrapped his still lubricated fingers around Duo's hard cock and pumped him in time with his furious pace, bringing them both over the precipice.  
  
"Zi ai!"  
  
"Fei!"  
  
*****  
  
December 11, AC 210  
  
Heero stirred and woke up from a comfortable haze to find his former lover naked and in his arms. Heero smiled ruefully, and sighed. One last night, that had been his plan to feel Duo inside him, around him, above him. His one last selfish gift to himself, and now it was time to end it all, to bring himself peace and to stop selfishly hurting and destroying other people. He didn't deserve Duo's nor Zechs's love. It was time for them to move on, and the only way they could do that would be with him gone. It was time.  
  
Heero stared mournfully into the mirror, smiled one last time, and turned from the mirror unable to look at the love bites Duo had marked him with only a few hours earlier. "I'm sorry, Duo, Zechs. You'll both find someone more worthy of your love. I'm sorry. I love you Duo. Goodbye." He murmured softly, then slashed both wrists as deeply as he could, and he slumped slowly to the ground as he gave into unconsciousness.  
  
~~~~~  
  
Duo woke up abruptly to a loud thumping noise in the bathroom, realizing Heero had left the bed not too much earlier. Duo ran as quickly as he could to the direction of the thumping noise. Upon opening the door, Duo stopped in shock to see Heero in pool of his own blood on the floor. "Oh god!" Duo jumped into action, calling the nearest hospital as quickly as he could and calling in as many favours as he had to save his lover's life. But, did Heero even want to be saved anymore? He had already tried this once before and damn near succeeded! "Damn you, Heero! You had better live through this, so I can beat you into the ground for your own stupidity! WE would have worked something out, you imbecile!!"  
  
*****  
  
February 21, AC 204  
  
Exhausted after their lovemaking, they curled up next to each other, sharing in each other's warmth. Wufei stroked his lover's hair, still amazed that this beautiful man had allowed him of all people to be with him and comfort him. Duo stirred softly to his side, uncaring about the mess. "Fei?"  
  
"Yes, Zi ai?" Wufei said softly.  
  
"Did you really mean it? All of it?"  
  
Wufei locked his eyes seriously with Duo, and said unflinchingly. "Whatever you want, whatever you need. I promise."  
  
Duo smiled brilliantly, and leaned forward and kissed Wufei's lips tenderly. "Thank you Wufei, and I love you too."  
  
*****  
  
December 11, AC 210  
  
~Ring! Ring! Ring!~  
  
Wufei looked up groggily at the clock on the nightstand. It was well... 4 am in the morning. //It had better be an emergency,// he thought. //Or whoever is on the other end of the telephone will end up very dead.// "Hello!" he growled into the phone.  
  
Duo winced at the other end of the line. "Dragon?"  
  
Wufei worried at the questioning and fearful tone coming from his husband, quickly woke up and said the first thing that came to his overtired and irritated self. "Zi ai, where are you?"  
  
Duo gulped, knowing Wufei would not like this. "I'm at the hospital."  
  
Wufei pounced. "Which one? What happened? Are you hurt? I swear to God, Zi ai, if you are in any trouble—"  
  
Duo cut him off before he could finish the tirade. "I'm okay. I'm at St. Joseph's, and I'm fine. But Wufei, Heero's in a really bad way. He tried to kill himself. I—"  
  
Wufei cut him off, well aware of what the Japanese man meant to his husband. "Shh, it's okay, love. I'll be right over."  
  
Duo's tone softened almost imperceptibly. "Thank you, love."  
  
Wufei smiled to himself softly. "I'll be there soon. Zi ai, love you. Be safe."  
  
~~~~~  
  
Wufei, after a quick shower, rushed over to the hospital to find his lover crying brokenly in one of the cheap plastic chairs in the hospital waiting room. Noticing his bedraggled appearance, Wufei bounded over to Duo's side as fast as his feet would carry him, and enveloped him in a comforting embrace. Duo stiffened at the sudden contact, but then, realizing whom it was, relaxed into the embrace and sobbed heartbrokenly. Wufei rubbed his back and offered what comfort he could, while he suffered silently knowing that his lover, his husband, had slept with another man, a former lover, whom Duo still held unrequited feelings for. Things would never be the same again... He had lost his true love to the one man who had always held Duo's heart in his hands—he had just never realized it.  
  
*****  
  
TBC... 


End file.
